What have you been thinking about?

I've been thinking about seasons. This past weekend, my partner and I drove up to Mammoth to hang out in the snow. I hadn't been anywhere near real snow in years, and while I went to the Sierras all the time when I was a kid, I hadn't been back in at least 15 years. I was surprised by how nostalgic and joyful I felt rediscovering places I didn't know I remembered. Finding moments of quiet in nature was very grounding. I found myself staring at the frozen lakes and feeling like it was ok to rest, to be still. It is so easy (for me, working from home in Los Angeles) to disconnect from cycles seasons, and I want to make more time to slow down and let myself be more in tune with the ebbs and flows that my body inherently knows how to follow.

Christina

The Podcast

Queer Books to Watch Out For! The 6 Times We Almost Kissed (And The One Time We Did)

Penny and Tate have been stuck together their whole lives (their moms are best friends), and they would like everyone to know that they definitely absolutely hate it and are totally not obsessed with each other or in love! The last few years have been difficult for both of them (Tate’s mom is sick, Penny’s dad died), which means constantly being exposed to each others’ worsts moments. When the girls are forced to live together because of their moms, they’re determined to ignore the thing between them and pretend everything is okay… should be easy, right?

This nod to fanfic manages to fit so much in! There is an enemies (but not really) to lovers romance running through the heart of the book, but it also incorporates difficult parental relationships, mental health and disability, class and rural healthcare access, as well as some chosen family vibes. From the blurb for the book I was expecting a slightly more romp-y vibe, which didn’t end up being the tone so I had to recalibrate a bit after I started reading. Still a lot of fun, it just has a bigger thread of navigating trauma than I expected going in (which was very well done, to be clear!). This was my first Tess Sharpe read, and I’m looking forward to more.

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’m thinking about excitement and how the right dose can make me feel like a superhuman. Enough enthusiasm for something and it feels like there’s nothing I can’t do. As much as I would love to have the wind-at-my-back feeling constantly, I know that I can’t be peak excitement all the time/about everything. So how do I appreciate and lean into that feeling when it’s here and not be a jerk to myself when it’s gone? Is it possible to stretch out that feeling? How can I acknowledge that excitement has a finite window of time without ruining it with anticipation of the ending? I don’t have the answers to any of those questions, but honestly most of my brain space is going toward a new project that I’m excited about - maybe I’ll have more insights when the excitement wanes. Long live excitement. 

-Chelsee

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about concerts. I’ve been to a lot of them this year, which has felt really really good after a couple of years without live music. I usually see artists with smaller followings, but this year I’ve gone to a couple of stadium shows (including Harry Styles, twice), which is a very different experience from what I’m used to. Earlier this week the internet was in shambles over the Taylor Swift Ticketmaster Disaster, and it got me thinking about why we (myself included) value live concerts enough to spend hundreds of dollars on tickets, wait in lines, camp out, etc. I don’t have an answer, but I am personally trying to find the balance between experiencing the excitement of fandom and getting too swept up in it. I think that line looks different for everyone.

-Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about the time and effort that it takes to maintain relationships (of every kind) with other people. Social media can be really helpful for staying connected and building community, but sometimes I have to remind myself that keeping up with my friends by seeing what they post isn’t the same as fostering my connection with them. Relationship building is not a passive activity, and making time and reserving energy to really connect with others can be challenging, but it’s also healing and essential and good.

-Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about time, which is true, but I find that I don’t even know where to start because it’s just so… big. I’m thinking time because there are some things that I feel like are missing in my life, but temporally my life feels very full as is (and it’s arguably less full than it was two or three years ago, which is partly an indication of how my relationship to time has changed). I’m thinking about time because in my day job I find myself struggling to stop working while simultaneously feeling like I never actually get around to working on the stuff that matters. I’m thinking about time because there is a big change that I’m considering making, but I have no sense of when or for how long I would make it (and you know I hate that unresolved sensation of waiting for something to become clear). 

For more cohesive thoughts on time, see Anne Helen Petersen’s The Diminishing Returns of Calendar Culture. 

P.S. if you’ve read Olivie Blake’s books and would like to talk about her obvious obsession with the nature of time and time travel, @ me (by which I mean, hit reply to this email)

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about travel. I really love to travel and see new places, as it can be such an expansive and humbling experience. I also think that it is important to be conscious about the way we travel and the reasons why we do. I keep getting Instagram ads for “conquest maps,” which is what some brands call those maps that you can color in or scratch off as you visit more places. Using colonizing language (conquest? why?) about travel feels gross, but it is probably reflective of the way a lot of folks think about travel. It can be easy to go to a foreign country and see it as a place that exists for your novelty. It is easy to think of ourselves as the protagonists in the story of the world. There’s a lot to unpack about ethical travel and exploitative tourism, and I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s worth sitting with these issues and thinking about them as we move through the world (figuratively and literally!).

Best,

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about what it means to be an artist in community. I think there is a balance to strike between investing time directly into making art, and showing up to witness and support other artists. They’re both equally important to me. I’m realizing that part of my idea of what a “good” artist looks like is being present and deeply invested in circles of other artists. Art created in solitude can be beautiful, but my personal goals for myself as an artist are deeply tied to finding my place in creative communities. When I think about what I want to prioritize, and what I want my life to look like, this is top of mind.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about the difference between removing inputs and adding inputs. It’s so easy to focus on the removing — clean out the closet, stop following the person you’re constantly comparing yourself to, have fewer cups of coffee. But what about adding in or increase? What’s bringing more pleasure, more community, more ease? There’s value in reduction, but it gets so easily caught up in damaging systems. Conspicuous consumption loves “downsizing” because it creates a more space for the same shit we didn’t need in the first places. Instead of creating a field, it creates a vacuum. Diet culture loves when we feel like we need less, less, less because it can tell us that we’re too much (and the only answer is self-negation). 

Something I’ve learned from abolition and restorative culture is that the focus can’t just be on removing — we have to focus on creating and adding. Removing prisons isn’t in and of itself the answer, creating structure of care is the answer (using those to displace the care-negating systems we have now). 

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about community and revolution. In the wake of the overturning of Roe vs. Wade, I’ve seen a lot of energy and activation around reproductive rights and healthcare access, but these are not new fights. If those of us who are less practiced in the fight for body sovereignty can come to the table ready to help instead of trying to build something new on our own, we will all be safer and more effective. By “us,” I primarily mean my fellow white women. We are not the protagonists of this movement. People have been building and operating networks and resources for abortion access for a long time, and our energy is best spent supporting these existing efforts in any way we can. When things are scary, when danger is present, we must find each other. Community over everything.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about the promise of summer time. I’m dreaming about summer vacation, and thinking of how I might create that feeling for myself even if I’m still at home working.

Chelsee

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about rest. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have any major issues with rest (I am a Taurus! I’ll sleep all day of you let me!), but I do have a hard time finding and prioritizing things that are truly restorative for me. Often, my downtime doesn’t feel like downtime, and I’m not quite sure how to address that. I’m working on being more attentive to what feels rejuvenating and what doesn’t.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about the trust and vulnerability it takes to share creative work with people you know. For me, it is much easier to share my work with strangers or acquaintances than it is to share my work with friends and family. I can’t always identify why, but I think there’s something about the heightened intimacy of being known in different iterations, or of having to face the music of what my art means in my own everyday life. On the surface, it feels paradoxical, but maybe it isn’t.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about how there are so many things I want to do and time is so finite. In pre-covid times, I used to get really down on myself about that, because it felt like everyone else was able to be at every event and know everyone and do everything, and I just wasn’t. That went away during the pandemic a little, but then there were so many virtual events to go to and discord servers to be in that I once again felt overwhelmed and inadequate. I’m trying to do what I can to focus my finite time and energy on the things that are most important to me, and accept that I won’t ever be able to do everything I want to do at once. I’m also trying not to compare myself to others because that’s not fair or useful to anyone.

-Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about all the work of caring for a body, and also about how easy it is for me to defer and reject caring for myself physically. Which has also led me to thinking about how scary it can be to ask for care and to trust someone to tend to your body. I want to be able to give you some succinct observation - maybe a reflection on how the oppressive systems we live under condition us to run ourself into the ground, or maybe something about the beauty of trusting other people with your body, or even just some life-hack-y way that I’ve tricked myself into taking care of this soft shell that I am/in - but I don’t have anything to offer you other than the fact that this is on my mind and what I’m struggling with. It isn’t the first time - particularly not in the last few years - and the truth is it probably won’t be the last. Is thinking about it the first step in trying/doing/solving/healing? I think so. I hope so. 

Chelsee

So, what have you been thinking about?

I have been thinking about how to best hold and show up for what’s going on in the world, right now and also all of the time. There are always many things happening that are bigger than me; there is always difficulty and tragedy that is more severe than anything I’ll probably ever know in my own personal reality. I am trying to figure out how much and what kind of engagement with world events that don’t directly affect us is helpful for the people who are affected. What does community and solidarity look like in these moments? What is useful, and what isn’t? Of course, if I knew the answers to these questions, I wouldn’t still be thinking about them.

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking a lot about clothing and appearance a lot lately. I work from home, so though I do spend a fair amount of time in Zoom meetings, the company I work for has a very casual culture and I can basically wear whatever I want. My decisions about what I wear and how I present myself are all based on my comfort and preferences. I could wear a plain black crewneck and minimal (or no) makeup every day and that would be fine. But instead, I find myself exploring what I actually want to put on and look and feel like. 

The early days of the pandemic gave me the opportunity to explore fashion and appearance choices with a lot less outside pressure, and I’m doing my best to keep as much of that experience with me as I can. Sometimes clothes and makeup are mindless and functional for me, and that can be fine, but sometimes I choose to be intentional about constructing and exploring identity through appearance. Right now, that construction is a performance with an audience of one, and I’m really enjoying it.

So, what have you been thinking about?

What if this didn’t have to be complicated? 

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about time. Partially because it’s a social construct that we all agreed to pretend exists and now we let it rule our lives, but mostly because it feels so finite for me right now. As I’ve been thinking about and planning for the new year, I have been thinking about what I want to spend my time doing, and what I need to spend less time doing to facilitate those goals and desires. I don’t like to think about activities or commitments in terms of time, but that does need to be a bigger part of my process of priority moving forward so that I can make time (and space) for the things I most want to do.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I used to think that growing up meant giving up or getting over anything that couldn’t neatly fit into the box of adult expectations. I had this vision that at a certain point my life would just be free of messiness, stripped of big emotions. And as someone who always believed that I felt too much, that didn’t scare me. It was a relief to imagine that my needs and desires and loves and fears would shrink down in size. And when that didn’t happen - when I got to be 23, 24, 25 and I hadn’t become the adult I imagined I would be - I tried to force myself down to size. Mostly it didn’t work, and in the ways that it did work it made me miserable. So over the last few years I’ve been getting comfortable just as I am, and my life has benefited from it. What I’ve been thinking about lately, and what I’m trying to prioritize now, is the idea that adulthood should mean the freedom to shape your life into whatever you want it to look like rather than adhering to some pre-made format. I can put a cardboard cut out of one of my favorite characters in my living room and I can use my PTO to read a book as soon as it comes out and I can have big, big feelings about Harry Styles’ dancing and play Mario Kart with my sister and curse when she beats me and none of those things are childish. They’re adult things because I’m an adult who doesn’t need anyone else’s permission to have an astronomically joyful life. Fuck the haters, as the imagined youth would say.

Chelsee

Hello everyone,

Instead of a regular newsletter this week, we just wanted to pop into your inbox and say we hope you're having a queer and restful holiday week! We know food and family centric holidays can be a lot, and if that's true for you this season please know we are holding space for you.

If you'd like some holiday survival tips or a pep talk about prioritizing your joy and comfort in tricky situations, you can revisit the most recent episode of The Bi Pod.

If you’re in Los Angeles, Christina is part of a multimedia art exhibit at Durden and Ray! The gallery is open to the public on weekends. You can subscribe to Chelsee’s solo project, Casually Obsessed, right here!

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’m thinking about the difference between the things that bring us closer to ourselves and the things that take us away. Particularly, the way that so many experiences can be either. A party, sex, a concert, the vastness of the ocean. When you can’t stand to be with yourself, all of these experiences can be a kind of obliteration - an attempt to escape our own skin, our own head. But when we’re willing to be with ourselves, be in our heads, be in our bodies, the roaring of the world can tie us to our center - pulling us inward in a way that’s so expansive. I want to find myself in all the places that I used to use to hide. I’m thinking about making a home in myself.

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about my relationship with reading. I used to read entire novels in one sitting when I was younger, but now it is so much harder for me to find the time and focus to commit to finishing a book. Access to audiobooks has helped, and I’ve also had some success with reading short story and essay collections serially (over a long period of time) and poetry collections. But, I think the bigger issues I’m contending with are consumption and attention. I read random content on my phone throughout the day, but never feel accomplished or finished.I love the feeling of being immersed in a great book, but I don’t love the feeling of drowning in the internet. I’m trying to be more conscious about what I choose to consume.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about my attention. More specifically, what it would be like to treat my attention as a precious resource and guard it ruthlessly. I’m realizing that I give so much of my attention away to things I don’t even care about and then complain that I don’t have the time/energy/focus to do the things that actually matter to me. Since I started thinking about this, one of the things I realized is how much of my attention I give away to worrying as a way to put off actually taking action. This weekend there was something I needed to be working on but I really just wanted to keep reading. I caught myself sitting around worrying about which thing I should do — worrying whether it would be okay to read more instead of being productive — when I’m reality my angst was wasting away my time to do either. I decided to give that attention to reading. I felt better. Nothing bad happened. So now I have to ask myself, how much of my time and energy have I been wasting away by worrying about the “right” thing to spend my time and energy on? Wild.

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking a lot about structure. I always resist rigid schedules and insist on prioritizing flexibility, and in a lot of ways and cases that is very true. It’s become part of my identity. However, I write more when my days have clear structure, when I have predictable down time or transition time between work shifts or other responsibilities. This wasn’t something I had to worry too much about when I wasn’t working from home, but my relationship with structure has changed a lot in the last year and a half since I do everything in the same two rooms. I need structure to some degree, at least enough to have something to chafe against. I think that’s also part of my identity.

Christina 

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking about something that I return to again and again (and again), which is the difference between capacity and potential. In some ways potential is limitless, but capacity never is. Even on my biggest capacity days, there are only so many hours and so much energy. As someone who wants so big and so widely, and who really defines themselves by doing, how tf do I exist in the world like that? This feels closely related to the idea that you can have everything you want, you just can’t necessarily have it all at the same time. I’m in a period of diminished capacity which of course means that I want everything now now now. Still I beat on, boat against the current, etc etc. (is this an appropriate time to say IYKYK?)

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking a lot about something that Chelsee said in a recent episode of The Bi Pod. In a discussion about accountability, they used the language “showing up outside of your values” to describe when folks may need to be held accountable. I really love the sentiment of that language and the approach it invites. To me, it sounds like “I know you are fundamentally a caring and conscious person, and I know you do not want to cause harm, so let me support you in those goals.” It demonstrates care and trust for the person being held accountable, even when it's self accountability. I think this approach probably works best with people who do have generally good intentions and generally care about other people, so maybe it’s not a one size fits all. But, I think it’s a useful and empathetic approach that might make a lot of positive change much more possible.

Christina

So, what have you been thinking about?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between being uncomfortable and being unsafe. It’s the kind of thing that I think everyone would benefit from sitting with and trying to get better at navigating, but it feels especially important to me because of my particular intersecting identities. White people mistaking discomfort for danger has cost a lot of black and brown folks their lives and generally made BIPOC physically/mentally/emotionally unsafe. Simultaneously, as a queer person and someone assigned female at birth there are a lot of ways in which I’ve been told implicitly and explicitly that I’m being dramatic/hysterical/paranoid/crazy for feeling unsafe in situations that were unsafe for me. It makes for a really complicated soup to move through. I want to prioritize my safety and sit with/lean into/be okay with discomfort. Feeling really grateful for the people I have in my corner who are helping me navigate this.

Hello, and welcome to The Bi Pod Bulletin!

We’re so excited that you’re here! Every two weeks, in this free biweekly (get it?) newsletter, Chelsee and Christina will send you content recommendations, information about queer events, and the occasional random thought or feeling.

What is The Bi Pod? The Bi Pod is a podcast about all things bisexual. We are here to talk about our own identities, respond to bisexual representation in media, and talk to awesome guests about their queer experiences and relationships with bisexuality. We define bisexuality as experiencing attraction both to people who share your gender identity and to those who don’t.