Archive

The sun is out again in Chicago. This winter was colder than last year and speckled with small moments of fun: ice skating, hot pizza, and watching snow float like dandruff in the wind.

My last term of classes starts this week. Mourad and I agreed that we’re officially “in the middle” of the PhD program. I feel confident doing academic research — finally trusting that noodling on the whiteboard all day is leading me somewhere. I’m aware of my newfound status as a role model for prospective students. But in my head, I still think: I just got here, what do I know?

I started a relationship last summer and it’s the opposite of stressful. Her name is Sagarika. Because it feels so easy in the good times, the hard times have been completely manageable. My day-to-day rhythm is completely different now that she lives down the block – we see each other every evening. I think our past lives make us freakishly good at communicating through conflict and about what we want for our lives, both now and in the future. Let’s see where it goes.

Part 1: Winter

This January, my roommates and I all got COVID. We’re doing fine, but I was exhausted for a few days.

I did my best to avoid the snow. I traveled as much as I could from January through March. (My advisor also went traveling.) I found work “reasons” to visit the Pacific Northwest, LA, Boston, and SF. It was awesome to be in new places, and see friends and family in person. But this also got tiring; I’m happy to be both healthy and in one place for awhile.

I’ve been playing a lot of Debussy’s music on the piano; especially the pair of Arabesques and a few pieces in the Children’s Suite. It’s an immersive escape for me away from people and screens. (And sometimes I play guitar when I have too many beers, but you’ll have to ask my roommates how good I am…)

I’m shifting away from personal, ethical responsibility in my day-to-day actions. I used to self-flagellate for eating meat; for flying; for buying new things; for making any choice other than the lowest-impact option. I’m letting go of this weight and anxiety on my life. Instead, I give more money to causes I care about. If you want to donate and don’t know where to start, please reach out. I’m trying to find the balance between living the life I want to live and supporting the future I want in the world.

Thanks for sending me photos. Here’s an early draft of my wall in Chicago (it’s about five feet wide):

It's been a while since I've written. The past few months were productive, but not everything went "my way". It's been a process to accept how little is in my control.

I moved in with Mom in April. I needed a lot of help this summer. I wasn't able to take care of myself; my mental health sunk even lower than it was this spring. Mom was there for me. Along the way, we spent a lot of time together, and really got to know each other as adults. I'm grateful for her presence in my life.

I'm finally making progress at unraveling the mess in my head. I'm excellent at deluding myself (which reminds me of a quote I frequently misattribute to George Orwell):

I'm afraid of smart people; they can convince themselves of anything.

It’s been about a year since my last message. My self-hosted emails were not always getting to people’s inboxes, and the machine was receiving tons of spam from around the world.

Running that machine did teach me a lot about how email works.

Email is designed to be really to send. Too easy. “One line of code” easy. It’s a hacker’s tool. Why would anyone else want to use it?

Todd: You know, sometimes I feel like my whole life is just a series of loosely-related wacky misadventures.
Diane: I think that's just what being in your 20s is.

Much has changed in a few months.

I quit my job at Pandora.It was such a joy to work there. I felt valued both as an individual and as an engineer. I already miss playing foosball (my water-cooler activity) and working with my engineering team (so supportive and collaborative)!

I broke up with Madison. This was hard. I still have affection for her and treasure our shared experiences. We have different temperaments and core values, inhibiting a community-to-community connection. We were stretching ourselves to be with each other.

I've been sick three times in two months. This might just be bad luck, but it's reminding me that health is not automatic. I'm cooking more often with Ravi and monitoring my own body. (I remember asking my mother once what being "older" felt like. She said: "What hurts?" I couldn't think of anything. She replied, "Nowadays, there's always three things that hurt...")

Hope this email finds you in good health. Life is not forever. I've noticed early signs of my own bodily decay -- stress in ever-typing fingers, the chills of a cavity I should really get filled. Sumana Harihareswara (whom I admire) talks about scheduling time each year just for grief (see the 19min 20sec mark). I am working on taking better care of myself. What do you do for self-care?

Learning new physics gets me . And there are so many unsolved problems! Matter behaves in unexpected, beautiful ways; and  hide among the latest advances in physics. It makes me feel like an explorer. (Where do we, as humans, still lack basic knowledge?) Here's a .

That's my favorite quote from Dan Kasen at this month's Astro Night. 

Stars fuse hydrogen into heavier elements, but anything past iron takes energy. 

Some stars fuse all the way to iron before collapsing in on themselves, forming supernovae, dwarf stars, and (sometimes) black holes!

Life has been a whirlwind lately.

I just returned from a trip to New Orleans. I ate like a king and I enjoyed the downtime.

Brief updates:

Derping on the computer.

* Reading a lot more about  stuff, links below

A lot happened last month:

I went to Lake Tahoe! The night before, everyone slept over at my mom's house (as if we were kids!) I really enjoyed the snowshoeing and views of the lake.

January flew by. Each new month is a smaller percent of your life than the last...

everyday life

I'm using  more often to chat online. I've been frustrated with Facebook Messenger's redesign and advertising between chats. Text me or send me a message on Signal (+19164024661)!

A cough is lingering but otherwise I'm healthy again. Thanks for all the recipes sent from last time, I can't wait to try them.

highlights from this week

- (twice) staying up til 7am playing an  (hello nostalgia...)

I'm recovering from a bad cold this week, but otherwise settling in well. I'm starting to meal prep & cook more, with a breakfast routine.

I also got a digital piano which sounds great -- if you're local, come by and we can play music together! There's also a guitar and ukulele at home.

I've been moving this month so things have been busier than usual. I recently returned from 3 weeks of traveling, working remotely, and visiting friends & family in Canada and across the US.

I'm in downtown Berkeley as of today.
1945 Milvia St Apt 104, Berkeley, CA 94704It's a busy street, so packages are better sent to my workplace.