The Weekly Whatever: Special Commemorative Deceased Monarch Edition
Quote of the week
An Irish friend says that when the news of the Queen’s death came through, ‘I was drinking in an Irish Republican Socialist pub here in Dublin… To a man & a woman everyone raised a glass to a woman who loved Ireland & did so much to bring about peace on our islands.’
Getting ready
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The Royal Beekeeper informs the Queen’s bees that the Queen has died. (Ours, that is.)
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Plane flights are delayed and even outright canceled so that there won’t be any noisy airplanes flying overhead during the Queen’s coffin procession.
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Food banks close for the day of the Queen’s funeral. “Let them eat
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McDonalds closes every UK restaurant for the Queen’s funeral. Sadly, not some sort of “Soylent Green” scenario.
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Prince Andrew will be looking after the Queen’s corgis. Online comment: Is it because he’s good at grooming?
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Funerals are canceled for the Queen’s funeral. None other shall be mourned.
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ITV confirms the TV schedule for funeral day: every single channel will show nothing but the funeral, from 6am until midnight. The BBC will show the funeral on BBC1, BBC2 and iPlayer, as well as broadcasting audio on Radio 2, Radio 3, Radio 4, Radio 5, BBC Sounds, Radio Wales, Radio Scotland, Radio Ulster, and the World Service. Watching or listening is mandatory.
Showing respect
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Morrisons turns down the supermarket checkout beeps, to show respect for the Queen.
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Guinea Pig awareness week has been postponed, to show respect for the Queen.
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Oxfordshire County Council postpones the exhibition of plans for the improvement of the A423 Kennington Bypass, to show respect for the Queen.
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18th Century windmill in Holgate has its sails rotated to a mournful position, to show respect for the Queen.
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Hammersmith & Fulham Council cancels a cycling event and keeps King Street open to motorists, to show respect for the Queen. (Well, she did drive a Land Rover.)
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Portsmouth rental e-scooters will have flashing purple lights on Monday, to show respect for the Queen.
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Lincoln city council closes public toilets, to show respect for the Queen. (Because royalty doesn’t use the toilet, obviously.)
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Met Office suspends weather forecasts, to show respect for the Queen.
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Gay sauna replaces porn with live coverage of the funeral, to show respect for the Queen. Additional queens will be in attendance.
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Loyal subjects queue to pay their respects. The line, which is visible from space, soon stretches to 10 miles in length, with the government warning people that the expected wait time is 24 hours. When entry to The Queue is shut down, people start a second queue to join the first queue.
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One mourner brings her dead grandmother’s ashes to see the Queen.
Dissent
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Two amateur teams who dared to play football the weekend after the Queen’s death will be dealt with in the strongest possible terms.
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At an event proclaiming the ascent of King Charles to the throne, a man shouts “Who elected him?” and is promptly arrested.
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A man who dares to heckle Jeffrey Epstein’s friend Prince Andrew is also arrested.
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New UK Prime Minister Liz Truss called for the abolition of the monarchy, calling it disgraceful.
Recommended reading
Recommended listening
Special non-Queen-related supplement
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The homelessness director of Martha’s Vineyard says that the area has an affordable housing crisis. Nonsense, says the Daily Mail, there are AirBnBs for only $190 a night.
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Matt Gaetz sought a pre-emptive pardon for any sex trafficking he may or may not have done.
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Alabama Republican party chair refuses to show his driver’s license to vote, as his own party’s laws require, and gets the poll worker fired for asking.
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Customs and Border Patrol are seizing data from US citizens’ phones, putting it in a permanent database, and allowing access without a warrant.
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Chinese social media apps are embedding digital watermarks in images they display, so that the government can track distribution of photos via screenshot. (Don’t worry, Facebook is already embedding secret metadata in images you upload.)
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NOAA now predicts that sea levels will rise an average of 10-20” within the next 30 years. Along the Gulf Coast it will be 14-18”, so visit New Orleans while you still can.
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Nigerian customs seize thousands of donkey penises due for export, on the grounds that they were falsely described as cow penises.
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Armed woman holds up a Lebanese bank in order to withdraw her own money.
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Chess grandmaster Hans Niemann is accused of cheating by receiving signals via wireless-enabled vibrating anal beads, so he offers to play naked.