The Weekly Whatever: [Screaming intensifies]
COVID-19
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After 3 years, I slipped up or was unlucky and got COVID. No news story here, just an announcement. I’m doing OK, but definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
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Scientists try more ivermectin for longer, and find that it’s still useless against COVID.
Environment
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The vinyl chloride spillage in Ohio might have something to do with the railroad company laying off all the engineers who maintained the safety monitoring boxes. Don’t worry, though, PVC is perfectly safe according to the PVC industry. In fact…
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We need new sources of energy. We’ve got a lot of non-biodegradable plastic trash. What if we generate electricity by burning the plastic? That’s renewable, right? The pollution level will only be 250,000✕ EPA limits.
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Shell, BP and ExxonMobil are quietly abandoning their promises to cut emissions. Who could have foreseen that?
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Do you have a home near the coast? Good luck with that. People are already seeing $1,000 a month insurance premiums.
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It’s been a beautiful summer. Pity it’s February.
Crapto
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Steve Bannon’s MAGA cryptocurrency has lost 95% of its value and “investors” are concerned that Bannon and associate Epshteyn might have done a runner with the money.
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Cryptocurrency “investment” firm with links to UK government parliamentary groups mysteriously vanishes.
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Liking cryptocurrency makes you more attractive, according to a study from a company hawking cryptocurrency. (I think it’s more likely to work as a contraceptive, but I don’t have a made-up study to back that up.)
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A “stable” coin claiming to minimize smart contract risk somehow falls victim to smart contract flash loans and loses more than half its value.
Awful people
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Scott Adams offers his advice on social justice: “The best advice I would give to white people is to get the hell away from black people … So that’s what I did, I went to a neighborhood where I have a very low black population … I think it makes no sense whatsoever as a white citizen of America to try to help black citizens any more.” Multiple newspapers drop his “Dilbert” strip.
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Elizabeth R. Koch is very unhappy that people judge her based on her father, far-right climate change denier Charles Koch of Koch Industries. She insists that she is “apolitical”. Curiously, all of her political donations turn out to be to Republicans and to Koch Industries.
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Trump asks for a defamation suit against him to be tossed on the grounds that he was “merely writing” the comments.
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Japan has a problem: an aging population. A Yale economics professor suggests a solution: mass suicides.
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The estate of Roald Dahl (owned by Netflix) announces that new versions of his books will remove some of the antisemitic tropes, racism, sexism and fat shaming for a modern audience. Once maximum publicity is achieved, they announce that the “classic” versions will continue to be available.
$8chan
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At least 6 companies have sued Twitter for failing to pay bills.
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The NRLB rules that companies can’t make you shut up in order to receive your severance package; Elon’s determination to muzzle ex-Twitter staff is likely to lead to $130m in legal costs.
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Twitter announces that SMS-based two-factor authentication is insecure and can be abused, so it will now only be available as a benefit to paid subscribers.
Tesla
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Tesla co-founder calls the self-driving software “crap”. Tesla admits the self-driving software may cause crashes, and recalls 363,000 cars to remove it.
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Tesla is informed about a union drive at their Buffalo NY factory, so the next day they fire dozens of employees believed to be involved.
Brexit dividends
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More food shortages in the UK, as supermarkets are forced to ration fruits and vegetables. Tory Secretary of State for farming Thérèse Coffey responds that people should “cherish the specialisms” because without imported produce, they’d be eating turnips. Supermarkets promptly run out of turnips. For the 10% of people struggling to afford food, Coffey suggests “get into work” and “work some more hours”.
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The stately home featured in “Downton Abbey” has to scrap hosting weddings because they can’t get enough staff or customers.
Technology
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A DNA testing company leaked 2.1 million people’s DNA information. For privacy purposes, please change your chromosomes.
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Vanderbilt University consoles students after a mass shooting by having ChatGPT write a sincere letter.
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A company discovers that ChatGPT is telling people to use a service it doesn’t offer.
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A sci-fi magazine ends new submissions after being flooded with ChatGPT-generated stories. Meanwhile the Kindle Store has a prolific new author, you can probably guess who.
Commerce
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Do you like the smell of aviation fuel? Then I have a scented candle for you!
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Texas supermarket chain H-E-B wasn’t started by H.E. Butt – it was started by Florence Butt. And it was originally known as the Piggly Wiggly-Butt Company.
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There could be donkey meat in that herbal supplement you bought from Amazon.
And finally, a heartwarming story
- Tony and Frances Toto are celebrating 57 years of marriage. Sure, they’ve had a few rough spots, like the time Frances hired a hitman to kill Tony, attacked him with a baseball bat, tried to blow up his car, poisoned his food with sleeping pills and shot him in the head. But they moved past that thanks to marriage counseling. As Tony put it, “It’s OK. Don’t do it again.”