The Weekly Whatever: Definitely a friend of Frank, honest!
Business
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For every $1 of new global wealth earned by a person in the bottom 90% in the past two years, each billionaire gained roughly $1.7m. Obviously this is because they work 1.7 million times as hard.
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Founder of fintech startup “Frank” created around 4 million fake user accounts to persuade JPMorganChase that it had enough customers to be worth investing in.
Law and order
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Man climbs electricity pylon to try to steal copper wire, discovers why that’s a bad idea.
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Man arrested for possible murder of his wife after police discover a hacksaw, torn up bloodstained cloth, and entries in his browser history for “how to dispose of a 115-pound woman’s body”.
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TSA finds emotional support boa constrictor in carry-on bag. (He gives good hugs.)
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Uvalde police chief said “we have him contained, there’s probably going to be some deceased in there, but we don’t need any more from out here”.
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UK Metropolitan Police are “truly sorry” that one of their serving officers admitted to 24 counts of rape.
Crapto
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Suckers who put money into cryptocurrency “investment” company Celsius Network discover that the (unregulated) terms of service they signed mean they never actually owned their accounts and the money all belonged to Celsius anyway.
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Federal Reserve warns that cryptocurrency investment is rife with risks that “cannot be mitigated or controlled”, and that they want to make sure it doesn’t infect the banking system.
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Amazon decides that now is the perfect time to co-launch a blockchain startup.
Technology
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W3C rejects Google’s new online ad tracking proposal again. Google says they’ll go ahead and do it anyway.
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Elon announces that Tesla’s “full self driving” software is available to all (who have paid for it). Hours later, a Tesla running the software as it crosses the San Francisco Bay Bridge swerves into the left hand lane and performs an emergency stop for no apparent reason, causing an 8 car pile-up. Last year, Teslas accounted for almost 70 percent of crashes involving advanced driver assistance systems.
$8chan
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Taliban praises Elon Musk, saying he’s “making Twitter great again”.
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Brazilian extremists used social media (including Twitter) to coordinate their attack on the country’s government.
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Latest leftist organization to be banned from Twitter: the Washington DC bus system.
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Cadillac’s Lyriq electric car is already sold out for 2023. VW hit a new electric car sales record at the end of 2022. Meanwhile, Tesla drops prices up to 20% to try to boost sales.
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Nonprofit funded by Elon Musk offered $100,000 grant to Swedish pro-nazi media organization.
Politics
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California congressman sworn into office with hand on rare Superman comic.
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Wyoming Republicans hope to phase out electric cars by 2035.
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Missouri Republicans adopt new dress code eliminating women’s right to bare arms.
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Ohio school cuts off a reading of Dr Seuss’s “The Sneeches” after a student notices that it has an anti-racist message.
Science
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Four women scientists find the previously undiscovered snake clitoris.
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Gas stoves cause 1 in 8 cases of childhood asthma and often leak toxins into your home even when they’re turned off, maybe we should get rid of them? Not so fast, say Republicans, eager for a new distraction in the culture wars and to protect kids’ right to enjoy inhalers.
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Small Penises and Fast Cars: Evidence for a Psychological Link: “We found evidence that when men were manipulated to feel that they had a relatively small penis, they ranked sports cars as more desirable than when they felt relatively well endowed and that this effect was most pronounced in men 30 and over”. (I drive a Prius. You might say I use my penis as a kind of car substitute.)
Sign of the times
Feel-good chaser
- Seal trapped in Rochford reservoir infuriates anglers by eating all the fish.