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Edition 67: Epilogue, aka more from last time

I talked to my therapist, who specializes in grief, before I published the last newsletter and she reminded me that wanting to be remembered for good things is important. However, everyone has flaws. As we are alive, we focus on our flaws. When we die, many of those are erased as only good things are said about us.

She said this after I admitted I worried I am not as good as Mandy or Henry. I could not even name words that might be used about me, even after she recited some kind things I told her someone said a few sessions ago.

That judgement, that we are inadequate compared to our self ambition, is something so many of us feel. We think: ‘Yes, one person said I am nice, but then this tweet said I was the worst ever, so I must be the worst ever.’

Edition 66: How do you want to be remembered?

This weekend, I went to my second memorial in a month. To be sure, this has caused a lot of reflection for me, on my career, my choices, my own grief.

When people described Henry Fuhrmann, they repeated phrases like kind, caring, thoughtful, calm. In the wash of posts and remembrances, people describe Mandy Jenkins as giving, a force, a mentor, joyful.

I consider myself blessed and lucky to have called both of these amazing humans friends.

Edition 65: A year later…?

Fun story about why you’re getting this on a Saturday.

As I logged into Buttondown to write this, I realized it’d been a year. A year ago, I wondered if this stasis would end and wrote to you about how we had two years of reduxes.

As I think over the past year, I’d call it a year of deepening. Recession deepened, pain deepened, our itchiness to reengage deepened. Deep can be good, but it can also feel endless. I’m so thrilled my friendships have gained a new depth this year. I’m so pained when I have to say I do not know when we’ll dig ourselves out of this, whatever this is.

Edition 64: We are alive…?

We made it. I think. 2020 was trash and 2021 was supposed to be the year we could live again. 2022 is probably going to be the year we realize life has changed.

I don’t do resolutions, as I’ve mentioned before to you, but I do themes. This year’s is center, forward. Not the soccer position though it sort of makes sense, but I’m aiming to move forward but remain centered through it all. So slowly. The last two yers have been reduxes. I’ve tried to hold on to the hope I had in 2020 and it’s....not happening.

My work goals from 2020 don’t apply anymore, the business and our lives have changed. My personal goals have been upended because of life changes.

Edition 63: Laying all your cards down

These are more album notes than an actual essay or resources, but a coulple things that need to be said.

All the therapy notes

Edition 62: The Grace you give

I am tired.

I feel like I start a lot of emails, tweets and newsletters that way these days.

The thing is, it is true, and it is true for many others. There is an ennui in the air, now that the vaccine is here, we are ending the collective breath we were exhaling for the past…..six months.

Edition 61: One more turn around the sun

I do not have one of my occasional essays today, but I wanted to give y’all a present.

Every year, on the weekend before or after New Year’s I sit down and do my crazy goal planning. I am one of those. I first used YearCompass, an amazing template I highly recommend. In the two years past, I’ve done slightly different versions from other places.

Edition 60: Yup, still here.

A couple things you will notice. First, you’re getting this email via Buttondown, an indie email service provider. I was getting increasingly annoyed with Mailchimp and how they seem to not care as much about newsletters as before.

I also did not want to fork over 10% of whatever earnings I may someday make to Substack.

Second, it’s been since i have sent an edition. Instead of an essay, I wanted to take this space to update you on me, even though that is not what this newsletter is supposed to be about.