Seth Says (Parenthetical Digressions)
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[Seth Says] A Delicious Bowl Of Wrong Flakes
May 16, 2024
Because breakfast is too early in the morning for eating humble pie. Yes, I make various pronouncements in my newsletter to the best of my knowledge, but I'm...
[Seth Says] The Most Dangerous Game
May 2, 2024
As protests rage across college campuses, some administrations are threatening to expel the student leaders of the protests, while in other locations police...
[Seth Says] National Poetry Month!
April 19, 2024
There's something that I may have threatened to do,and will actually do it this time.And that's for this newsletter, all the way through,I'm writing the damn...
[Seth Says] Clippy's Revenge
April 13, 2024
Tonight we feasted on various kinds of frozen (well, unfrozen and then steamed) shumai, and it occurs to me that dumpling should be a gerund. Dimpling sort...
[Seth Says] Ready, Set, Godot!
March 22, 2024
Wait for it... Although if you're waiting for actionable advice, go do something. INDEPENDENT THOUGHT Confession time: Thought Leadership is a style of...
[Seth Says] March Times On
March 8, 2024
How is it March already? I'd already lost my time sense years ago, but now it's completely gone. Of course, it's also true that I have nothing approaching a...
[Seth Says] This Is Perfectly Normal
February 23, 2024
So the other day I'm walking around my house talking to myself in a menacing voice while introducing myself like I'm some sort of movie henchman, you know,...
[Seth Says] Good Vibes Only
February 11, 2024
Hello Friends, In an attempt not to actually turn this newsletter into Sad Times Monthly, I'm aiming for good vibes only in this issue. There is, admittedly,...
[Seth Says] Apocalypse Number Five
January 26, 2024
Because at times like these, who can mambo? A little bit of covid in my life,A little bit of climate change causing strife,A little bit of fascism every dayA...
[Seth Says] Oft Given, Rarely Taken
January 12, 2024
Hello Friends! Welcome to the Bob Newhart Sh-- I mean, the Buttondown mind of-- I mean, my new Buttondown newsletter. Which, okay, is basically the same as...
[Seth Says] Short and Sweet
January 6, 2024
The Peter Dinklage of emails. (well, he was sweet in Cyrano.) This is early because it's not a real newsletter, it's just a test email to see if you can...
[Seth Says] I'm OK - You're ????
December 14, 2023
Happy Holidays, Friends. By which I mean that it is the holiday season, and I hope this timespan contains some happiness for you. (One might well ask why I...
[Seth Says] Gratitude: The Lonely Journey
November 29, 2023
A weird thing about gratitude is that it sounds like "Grrr, attitude!", which is sort of the opposite of what it means. But that's not really what I had on...
[Seth Says] Never Don't Not Stop
November 15, 2023
You can tell I'm not an optimist because I use a quadruple negative. (Clearly I need one more negative, making it quintessential.) (Hi Five!) There's a joke...
[Seth Says] Sponsored By No One!
October 28, 2023
Hello Friends, Welcome to another exciting edition of this newsletter, which is not sponsored by anyone, and is written entirely by me. I can't promise that...
[Seth Says] Create Yourself By Your Own Bootstraps
October 14, 2023
An interesting thing about the phrase "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" is that it is mostly used today to mean "Put in the hard work and effort and...
[Seth Says] License To Kill -- sort of
September 30, 2023
I have a license to kill. I mean, I guess it's not technically a license to kill, but in some sense the end result is the same. Just like a license for a...
[Seth Says] All You Can't Eat!
September 13, 2023
Longtime subscribers used to not loading the same photo that is always there should be sure to see the above photo, which is a departure from usual. It is a...
[Seth Says] With Great Power...
August 26, 2023
...you can do all sorts of stuff! You can bend people and even rules to your will. (Maybe that's why they call it "going on a bender"?)(It isn't.) Having...
[Seth Says] Amateur Nouns In Your Area
August 12, 2023
I was going to put something in the subject line about this newsletter being safe for work despite the title, but is it really safe to read anything at work...
[Seth Says] Always Be Enterplaining
July 29, 2023
People are exhausting to deal with. This is a general truth about people. Or I guess arguably, it's two general truths about people, both that they are...
[Seth Says] Cleaning Probably Won't Kill You...
July 15, 2023
...but there's always a chance! Most accidents do occur in the home, and cleaning is exactly the sort of thing that disturbs long-dormant evil forces which...
[Seth Says] "Just two things of which you must beware..."
July 1, 2023
"...don't drink the water and don't breathe the air." Yes, with 3 straight days of air quality warnings here and today's AQI over 150, today's newsletter is...
[Seth Says] It's a Matter of Pride
June 18, 2023
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! This newsletter proudly supports LGBTQ+ people in living their best lives. (This newsletter has also apparently gained sentience? I guess...
[Seth Says] The Benefit Of Being Useless
June 3, 2023
TGIU: THANK GOD I'M USELESS I know it seems like a super-weird thing to say, right? Like, isn't being useful sort of a goal? And no, this isn't just due to...
[Seth Says] You'll Just Have To Wait
May 21, 2023
"...you can't hurry love, no, you'll just have to wait, That is, unless she tells you, 'Hurry up, or we'll be late.'" GREETINGS, READERINOS! Yeah, that...
[Seth Says] It's easy to predict the future...
May 6, 2023
...as long as you don't need to get it right. People are predicting the future all the time, and if you predict enough futures, some of them are bound to be...
[Seth Says] Lose Your Soul With Just 50 A Day!
April 23, 2023
I hate networking. I was going to write this newsletter and got distracted by Facebook and sure enough I didn't scroll down more than 2-3 pages before an ad...
[Seth Says] How does a toddler eat oatmeal?
April 9, 2023
Everything Everywhere All At Once. Yes, last week I finally got around to watching the winner of this year's Oscar for Best Picture and countless other...
[Seth Says] Would You Settle For A Partial Idiot?
March 27, 2023
Hello Friends, I hate doing my taxes. Partially this is because we shouldn't have to. But partially it's because sometimes they make me feel like a complete...
[Seth Says] Simpleton!
March 13, 2023
SIMPLETON! Turns out it's tricky to have a subject line that talks about my award-winning musical "Simpleton!" without sounding like I am insulting you via...
[Seth Says] Punctuated Productivity Tips
February 27, 2023
I considered ending that subject line with an interrobang. For those of you unfamiliar with that punctuation, it's probably the best way to get information...
[Seth Says] I Didn't Quit!
February 13, 2023
Friendly greeting! Attempt to engender goodwill by briefly addressing you before immediately talking about me! Spoiling of desired effect through compulsive...
[Seth Says] With Library and Justice For All*
January 29, 2023
*offer may not be valid in all states; see your local listings for details. Hello Friends, I am here to tell you never to take a nap 5 hours before you...
[Seth Says] AI Have A Dream
January 16, 2023
Greetings, People! Hope you all enjoyed our annual day of people who are against most things MLK stood for deciding to post an out-of-context quote from him....
[Seth Says] Happy You Near!
January 2, 2023
An appropriate greeting to the followers of Reverend Spooner, who was a very fart smell-o of freight game. Also a message of hope for 2023, with the...
[Seth Says] Happy Holidaze! (too many songs edition)
December 19, 2022
HAPPY HOLIDAZE! I think holidaze is the correct term, since I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this whole time of year is a weird floaty time where...
[Seth Says] Shop! In the name of love...
December 6, 2022
...before you break my cart. Greetings, my fine featherless bipeds! Well, maybe that's a bit of a presumption. I suppose any of you may have found a feather...
[Seth Says] Thanks For Nothing!
November 23, 2022
And I hope you'll noth again soon! TURKEY DAY! Whether you're reading this late on Thanksgiving night with a belly full of stuffing, or during Thanksgiving...
[Seth Says] For the love of god, Montresor!
November 7, 2022
Cask not what your country can do for you... A PLAINTIVE WINE Well, this is it. The last day to vote. I already voted, already wrote a column about voting...
[Seth Says] You're telling me a GHOST wrote this poem?
October 23, 2022
HALLO, WEEN Happy All Hallows Eve! Or I guess more accurately, happy All Hallows Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve! It's spooky time, which admittedly is mostly...
[Seth Says] We learned, in 1492...
October 9, 2022
...a bunch of stuff that wasn't true. Who should be sacrificed to right this wrong? CHRIST, OFFER COLUMBUS Yes, today is Indigenous Peoples Day, formerly...
[Seth Says] I thought of a joke I should have made two weeks ago
September 26, 2022
...and I guess technically speaking, I thought of it one week ago. So that's three weeks in total, or 1.5 fortnights. Never let it be said I'm week at math....
[Seth Says] A Nice Hot Cup Of Spiders
September 16, 2022
DON'T YOU MEAN CIDER? I wish I did, friend. But it's 4 in the morning and I just went to use the bathroom and noticed a spider on the ceiling, and so I...
[Seth Says] Episode IV: A New Hope
September 1, 2022
The new Star Wars stuff has more colorfully clad guards, but the original had stormtroopers in white and Vader in black. So it was also known as "Episode IV:...
[Seth Says] Just because you're paranoid...
August 16, 2022
...doesn't mean they're not out to get you. THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET YOU And me. And everyone. Oh right, I was going to maybe start with something lighter and...
[Seth Says] Any artist aspires at appreciation...
August 2, 2022
...and atypical artists also adore alliteration, added an annoying author anticlimactically. I APPRECIATE YOU As always, I thank you for joining me for the...
[Seth Says] It's Not The Heat, It's The Stupidity
July 18, 2022
HOT ENOUGH FOR YA? By which I mean "hot enough for Youth Apocalypse", because it is the younger generations who will be completely and utterly screwed by how...
[Seth Says] Who shall know the hour?
July 7, 2022
Probably the person with the wristwatch. TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN' Hello, Peoples! Somehow it's Thursday. To be fair, I can't believe it's already July, but...
[Seth Says] Hello, My Fine Feathered Friends!
June 20, 2022
HAPPY JUNETYETH? Greetings and Salutations! Hope your June is going along well* (*for local maxima given the world). The weather is beautiful, and there's...
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