Thoughts of self-doubt
I’ve been a lot more anxious recently.
For the last month, I haven’t had time to think about the work I was doing. Just that I had to do it. And so I was going full speed ahead, running and running until I could bring everyone on my project team to be at a place where they were generally up to speed, where initially they were running in a thousand/no directions and struggling to stay afloat. I am very proud of the work I’ve done on this project up to this point, and I have learned a lot. I am most excited about the human aspect of this project. It’s a lot more positive now, whereas a month ago there was a lot of negativity/hostility among the team. I'm not a savior, I think they just appreciated a young person with energy running around telling everyone what to do and keeping everyone accountable.
But now that we’re at a point where we’re going to go forward with my plan, and like, next week? I’m pretty terrified.
Did I miss anything in terms of planning? Did I set everyone up for success? Is there any major stakeholder I did not take into consideration that will be pissed and it will fall on me later? Is this schedule realistic? Did I make sure everyone was heard, and that everyone is getting a major career win from this?
Am I actually doing a good job?
I think it’s necessary to go through these thoughts so you actually feel them instead of suppressing them. It’s also very human and normal. And the way I see it, the faster you feel these things, the easier it is to handle these problems going forward, and the faster you can move onto bigger problems.
Alas, feeling fraudulent is very real. I was feeling that way quite a bit, and it lasted all day.
I present a segment of frustrating moments from the day’s beginning to now called “Dammit I…” (start off each bullet by saying “Dammit I…”):
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Should have made my lunch before I went to bed so I wouldn’t have to worry about it in the morning like I’ve done my entire life and I don’t know when I will ever plan on packing my lunch before I go to sleep.
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Should have went to sleep earlier last night because I am having trouble processing anything.
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Should not have slacked off in the morning when I got to my desk so I could have gone to the 9 AM so I could have supported our team when our work was being shown to and discussed by various managers.
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Don’t know why I sent like 10 texts in a row about who my favorite writers are to this girl because she must think I’m a lunatic. Why am I like this?
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Wish I better prepared for a team discussion because they’re always thoughtful to me but I feel I am not as thoughtful back to them. I quickly glance at their things and say it looks great without ever really actually giving deep thought to it.
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Wonder if my teammates don’t actually think I’m fully competent at my job and try to support me
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Always get the most annoyingly, frustratingly specific and special problems. It’s always something.
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Miss the warm embrace of a partner when things suck. Being single is tough sometimes.
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Always feel like I don’t offer enough back to my team. That I don’t bring as much to the table as they do and I’m kind of along for the ride while they’re doing the bulk of the work.
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Feel like I’m leading these big team meetings and am coming off as informal, so people aren’t taking me as seriously.
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Am wasting everyone’s time. I wish I could shut up and sit still.
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Booked that same meeting for 2 hours and it only went 40 minutes.
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Have been putting off this one task for 3 weeks now. All I have to do is write two stupid email templates. Why is this so difficult?
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Really fucking hate Matt Gaetz and hope the law hits him hard.
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Don’t know how I’m supposed to focus at all tomorrow during Michael Cohen’s hearing.
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Was supposed to be at the condo to meet with a contractor at 6 PM and I took a nap at 5 and it’s not 6:10 PM.
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Did not know that this condo had concrete on top of the plywood. I don’t know anything about that or what to do. Do we leave it or tear it up?
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Generally feel like I’m struggling so much. I don’t know if I can handle all of this.
I find that I usually go through days like this and then I’m back to my normal self in the next day or two. I think it comes from a place of intent that wants to help everyone around me and make everyone’s life a little better, but maybe I unintentionally put too much weight on myself.
My earworm today was this Foo Fighters song.