Self-sabotage and shame
So if you could find it in your heart
To give a man a second start
I promise things won't end the same
Shame, boatloads of shame
Day after day, more of the same
Blame, please lift it off
Please take it off, please make it stop
I recently saw the Avett Brothers. My buddy Joel has seen them a bunch of times and loves them, so I thought I’d give them a shot finally lol. The encore was about to start and I was frantically texting my friend Brandon to pick up his god damn FaceTime because the encore was about to start. He got out of the shower and picked up.
They started the encore with the song Shame. Joel was singing, Brandon was singing from his home, and the rest of the crowd was singing. I’d never heard the song and it felt like exactly what I needed to hear, see, feel in that moment.
I’ve been going through a funk recently. I think finally having downtime with school finished feels like a wave has crashed and my body and mind don’t know what to do when I don’t have much going on. I’ve been trying to get to the root cause of this, so I gave the song Shame some more thought to see where it would lead me.
I wish I’d learned when I was younger how to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings. To communicate about it instead of internalizing it. In a way, I wonder if I learned defensive mechanisms without realizing it through people pleasing or spending more time thinking through larger, abstract ideas instead of facing what was in front of me. I'm trying to practice this more often now.
We live in this cruel society that expects extraordinary, and if you “slip” you should hear it and be reminded of it all the time. People cope with that feeling of imperfection and inadequacy in different ways. I guess mine is constantly asking myself why I’m like that and allowing the self-sabotaging prophecy to continue. It’s easier that way, and you’re familiar with it.
I don’t really believe in this thing of reminding people of their shortcomings except for things like you support or take actions on something which diminishes my humanity. I know you already know what you’re concerned about with your image, and everyone's dealing with their own set of pains. There’s a beauty to being human and making mistakes, and it’s ok to not be or know everything. When I met Louisa Thomas in 2016, I asked what her general takeaway was from doing research on Louisa Adams, and she said, “We’re all just winging it and figuring it out as we go.”
Still, it’s easy to feel shame for not knowing something or doing something right. When your perspective or experience is questioned or misunderstood, it can lead to things that you hear and replay over and over in your head because you feel like you’re not enough or you see your shortcomings.
Your actions start to not align with your words or beliefs. It’s cyclical. You think you’re not enough so it’s just easier to do and say dumb things and lean into it so you guarantee what people say and think about you is true. Just to feel something. You’re used to it and know it activates you.
Thus, it’s better to talk about these difficult things to figure them out with each other. You can’t do it all by yourself and things are never going to be perfect.
I like wearing that imperfection on my sleeve. Being inconsistent comes with a lot of difficulty and consequences. Being consistent and perfect is so easy. You just watch, listen, act smart, and do what you’re supposed to. People know what to expect of you and how you’re going to act. But then that level of performing consumes you. I was reminded yesterday of the beginning and end of Trainspotting.
So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.
The quote is about overcoming a heroin addiction, but the general point I take from that there’s more to all of this than what American society prescribes as necessary to be considered making it.
It’s harder said than done, but the key to get out of these feelings of shame and self-sabotage is to tell yourself your thoughts aren’t who you are and practice more self-affirmation. It’s to learn how to be yourself and bring your full self, and knowing that’s great.