Rewiring
2021 has been interesting to me. I’m unsure if I’m just older, but I feel different. I was having a conversation with someone about a month ago. He was analyzing my enneagram type (I’m a 4) and asking me questions. One of the things he asked was something along the lines of, “Do you feel like other people don’t see the bad side of things?”
For almost all of my life, I did feel that way. I think it’s a common thread in all of my writings or conversations. It’s who I am or have always been. I kind of pride of myself on being deeply analytical even if it’s a ridiculously stupid topic that no one would ever think to care about for more than a few seconds. And I’ve always liked thinking through heavy problems that I may never have control of because at a minimum it’s a thought-provoking exercise.
But COVID was the great equalizer. A pandemic that stopped everything in its tracks, and made us all reflect and see just how bad things really are. We all collectively felt it. And if we didn’t, we empathized with it. Whatever it is.
And in a weird way, it’s led me to be a lot calmer.
When I look around the internet, the echo chamber I’m in is starting to more openly talk about the fascism of the previous administration, and how it still lingers around in things like the ousting of Liz Cheney while Matt Gaetz remains. People are seeing things like COVID in Southeast Asia, or how Roe vs. Wade is about to be challenged and likely overturned. Or how we’re all experiencing burnout at the same time from experiencing a global pandemic for over a year now. And many other things.
There’s so much pain… but I’m reminded how paradoxically we feel better when we are going through something collectively. That you’re not alone in your struggles.
And so yeah, I am tired and I am burned out, but I feel a lot better.
The hard part for me has been adjusting into this feeling. I don’t have it bad all things considered but I have always been on edge about something. Now the things I’m on edge about are how bugs are eating through our garden. And when you’re feeling better like that, it leads to you looking inward and thinking about how you may have relationships that are founded or kept alive on chaos or intense things which elicit emotions of panic or negative thoughts from one another.
I have thought about that so much since December when my work situation was resolved. That I was basically panicking and crying out for help, and people helped me because they’re really great. And that I didn’t want to put that weight on others again. It’s like being in an abusive relationship where some people are telling you it’s not so bad, or that that’s just how things are, or how you should be grateful to have a job. And once you snap out of that, it takes unlearning of your past and learning how to live a healthier life.
It’s not that I’m withholding emotions or acting like everything is ok when it’s not, I think I’m just trying to be more patient and express less urgency unless if I think something actually is a big fucking deal. Everything can be resolved with good communication, explanations for things are usually a lot simpler than the complicated scenarios we create in our heads, and all that angst is not really healthy for us.
In that train of thought, I keep coming back to how much better I feel when I get a good night’s rest. That has been the goal I’m working towards right now. School put a major dent in that this last semester, but with graduation coming up in August I’m working on laying the foundation for healthy habits now so the transition out of craziness will be easier. That includes trying to drink less, eat less processed sugar + rice + bread where possible, and spend a lot less time on my phone. I’ve also started breathing deeply for 5 minutes or so when I wake up in the morning and found that has helped start my day on a good, calmer note.
All this stuff about healthy regulation of your nervous system actually does work. Not being in fight or flight mode all the time leads to you being a more stable person. When you’re stable, you have more space for other positive things, and are more likely to do things that make you feel better. You’re probably going to remember to call someone on their birthday or ask them how their vacation was and actually listen. Happiness is infectious. On the other hand, when you’re stressed out and on autopilot, it is easier to make excuses for a bottle of wine or a 10 piece wing combo from King’s Wings. Things slip all the time and the negativity or feelings of inadequacy pile on. You’re always catching up because you’re always falling behind.
At the same time, I think I’m feeling better because I’m coming to the end of this 4 year plan I set out for myself. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and more self-confidence and higher self-esteem. For about 10 years now, job and financial stability were not always a given, and therefore mental and physical wellness were also unstable. While things have been really stressful, this personal journey is coming to an end. And people telling me they’ll recommend me for a job is a really good feeling and a nice safety blanket to have. It’s like this inner need of mine was met, regardless of how arbitrary it is at the end of the day. It sucked a lot but it was worth it. I can start working on other areas of my life.
A lot of my time now is spent thinking about how I’ve done a lot and accomplished a lot, and have a lot of good things and people in my life, and how grateful I am for all of it. I’m trying to practice being more still and making the best of what I have, and cherish what’s in front of me. I intend on spending more time being present and happier, starting with the conversations I have with others. And going to bed at a reasonable hour.