Pandemic Year 2
My energy ebbs and flows a lot, or at least I’m more aware of it.
Some days I feel like saying and writing something, but most days I’d rather keep to myself and play Switch or something.
Especially when it comes to writing, I have recently had ideas that peak my interest for a moment and then I ask myself why. Why do I feel like I need to say that? What is the point?
I don’t think it’s a feeling of helplessness, moreso one based in conserving energy and bringing it back in. Choosing spots better.
I’ve never felt more selfish, but also I’ve never felt more empowered.
Over the past couple of years, something I noticed is that when you’re constantly grinding, boundaries are non-existent and you accomplish more because you’re running at a high level of stress, cortisol, energy. I loathe hustle culture, but I admire the people who are able to do that and still live a healthy life. I think I’m capable, but it’s nowhere near as easy for me. Things come at a sacrifice like my health and wellness.
Now that I have a lot of downtime, I cherish it a lot more. Like my inner self says ok you did all this external shit, now you can feel calm and there’s not really any pressure or urgency to do more. You can be easy on yourself.
I work two jobs that I see a meaning and higher purpose in, and I think that helps a lot. Not that work is my life, but I want to better conserve my energy for them. I feel valued and needed. I can hear and see the impact of the work I’m doing. Literal lives will be impacted and potentially saved from the work we do.
That stuff permeates. When you spend the majority of your day feeling safe, heard, valued, cared about, it’s easy to feel good in all of the other aspects of your life. You wake up not dreading things, so your morning starts out a little stressful but it’s from drive not fear. You’re not constantly on edge and easy to trigger so your conversations throughout your day are better because you’re not feeling the need to do an emotional dump on someone. A conversation can ebb towards positive, funnier stuff, not downwards towards crying out for help which never really makes you feel better anyways. You can watch TV or play games or just spend time with someone and not feel guilty like you should be doing something else, you’re allowed to connect and be present/grounded. You can go to bed with peace knowing that things are ok, not sleeping to escape because the next day is going to suck too.
I’ve lived a pretty crazy and traumatic life filled with a lot of fun, love, and positive experiences too. This feeling of safety in my own body is foreign to me. I’m having to learn how to do that, and repeatedly telling myself that things are ok. Lots of inner work and self-affirmations. It’s a long and hard journey to go through, and it never really ends. But there is nothing more honorable you can do than connecting with yourself and actualizing your being, needs, wants.
The other thing that’s been paradoxically calming for me is this shared pandemic experience. I think before, a lot of those ideas or feelings might been seen as me being crazy or something. I can think of talking about fascism, or calling America a plague state or failed state after looking at hard data, and people I know thinking I was being extreme. But now those things are pretty undeniable. It’s not a matter of right or wrong, just that when people see the world in the same way that you do, it’s easier to start on the same note and begin helping one another or understand what someone is potentially experiencing. For example, it feels like the first time ever that a lot of people can empathize with the unpaid labor of mothers and all that they do. Or the craziness that teachers, doctors, essential workers, etc. deal with. I don’t think our society embodies it entirely, but they at least will feel like an asshole if they don’t (hopefully).
We don’t take the smaller, human moments of life for granted anymore. Hugging someone, sharing a meal, playing/seeing music, talking about Ted Lasso, watching the sun rise and set, etc. There’s so much beauty to appreciate in every aspect of life, and it feels easier than ever (for me at least) to find enjoyment in those small things.
I’ll end on a more critical thought. I’ve spent quite awhile wondering where I want to live. I’m still not sure where is the exact fit for me that I want to visit for a bit and check out. I’m fortunate to have a lot of flexibility so what do you choose when you can choose anywhere? However, even though I’d love to live somewhere super dope, there’s one major thing I have to contend with going forward.
And it’s this big pharma issue. Until intellectual property of the COVID vaccines are waived, this pandemic will just go on forever. There’s data about the efficacy of boosters declining with each dose, which means at minimum we’ll need to rely on big pharma to make these new and improved boosters.
The other kicker is that the U.S. government gets 60% of the vaccines produced by Pfizer and Moderna. We can call this a monopoly, vaccine-hoarding, war-time profiteering, etc. etc. but the point is that Americans are the reason this pandemic will go on forever but also will be the first to have access to these medical miracles.
And so, my head’s game plan currently goes towards having a homebase and staying in the U.S. for 6 months out of the year to get my shot and then spending the other 6 months staying elsewhere. My summer abroad in Istanbul was one of the best times of my life, and now that I can afford it on my own I want to spend at least 2-3 months elsewhere to get comfortable and start to truly understand a culture. I imagine it’ll be difficult with COVID restrictions, but we’ll see how things go.