Inadequacy
A lot of our lives are spent trying to be good at a trade, or knowledgeable enough about things so we can help others. I think about times when people might ask for my help. It’s not often because I think I joke around too much and people think I’m an idiot. Which is fine, I put that on myself. In those instances when people come to me though, it must be because I’ve proven myself over time and people trust my judgment.
I had this feeling yesterday where my confidence was low and I wondered if I was good at anything. Just a few things I thought about:
1) How often does my girlfriend let my stupidity slide, and do I only find this out when I’ve pushed it too far?
2) I know I want to help people as a functional analyst at work, but I can’t control everything. But I at least want to be prepared enough so I don’t seem unprepared and embarrass myself and my department. I know I tell myself often that it’s not about me, and the less I have my hands on something, the better. Do I just shut up and let things go instead of trying to act like a parent who doesn’t want to see their child fail or get hurt?
3) I feel like when I peel back everything I’m doing right now, it’s just a cover up for the weaknesses I haven’t faced because I keep putting them off. I try to say that I’m too busy so that I have an excuse to not worry about it right now. It’s like the pile of dirty clothes that you see every day but don’t do anything about because you’ll get to it when you can.
Inadequacy is a big fear of mine. People probably meant it as a joke, but I really hated how growing up, my family/cousins/others would say that I was useless. It’s something that as I get older, I bring to surface and realize that it was actually a really shitty thing for them to say, and that pushing each other down even if for a brief moment can have lasting effects. It’s like, even when you’re trying to change yourself and grow to be a better person, people only remember you from the last time you talked to them. Maybe they kept track of you on social media, but really they just go off of their general memory of you. And when the seed is planted that you are inadequate/useless, even if in a joking manner, it is uncomfortable all around.
Now, I think at my job I do this as well. Training people how to use a tool they’ve never used requires an understanding that you have to be a good teacher and be informative while also assuming they know nothing because if you assume they know something, they could miss out on a lot. But you also have to have the maturity to know that they are people too and deserve a lot of respect. That they’re even taking the time to learn from you and be open-minded to changing their processes and habits is a big step that you should be grateful for.
So I have to take my grievances and stoically flip them into things I can do to act better. Not for the sake of being adequate, but for the sake of feeling like I’m someone that people will want to come to for comfort or for a respectable opinion if they ever need it. If I can help myself, others will notice, and eventually I can help them too.