COVID struggling thoughts
(This is going to be a meandering, depressing post. You’ve been warned lol).
Over the last week or two, I’ve struggled a great deal. I think for a while I held out optimism that it’d be possible to overcome COVID, and I’d do my part to help. But now it’s settled in that this is just how life is going to be, which is extremely depressing to me. I haven’t been able to shake it. It’s an existential grief, and honestly I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. With all that’s happening and forcing my parents to go to Canada to live with my brother (they leave in a week or two), I have never felt more alone, scared, and powerless.
I’ve spent the last week wondering about my actions over the last few months. And the things throughout my life that led to me acting that way, wondering if it’s sustainable. I’m a firm believer that who you are as a person in crisis is an extension of who you are regularly. So for example, if you’re in the habit of being selfless all the time, it will come naturally when you most need it.
I think as a whole, the core parts of my ego can be summed up as someone who never feels good enough/doesn’t feel heard while simultaneously believing I can do whatever I put my mind to, which may lead to getting worried about things out of my control. Why I feel all of those things, I’m not sure, but I do. So I wanted to let myself wander through it instead of fighting against it, especially since this is our lives for the unforeseeable future and I can’t keep pushing it off.
I hadn’t really given much thought to this recently but I’ve been asked by a lot of people why I feel the need to help others and not just focus on myself. I’ve kind of just grown up with parents who are that way, so I never thought anything of it. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that other people don’t do that, and they don’t expect you to do that. If anything, it can come off as unsolicited or you saying they’re not capable. And then if you don’t follow through, you’re an asshole. My friends must have just gotten used to me being this way, so I’m inured to meeting new people and them not understanding that. I just brute force my way into them coming around.
In an effort to understand and be cognizant of my behavior and thought patterns, I started thinking about why I’m like that to my friends, and why they have accepted me as I am. What I can be doing better as a person and friend. Of course, with that comes the thought of how you’ve treated significant others poorly, or people who really care about you. Dumb Shafiq dumb why’d you do that??
Stuff that came to mind is like, “Why do I feel the need to tell people about…” (things here could include anything like sports, gardening, drums, Joey Chestnut eating 75 hot dogs, competitions, projects, Phish, politics, cooking, etc.). Why am I doing that, and what am I looking for? Or, why do some of those things matter more to me than others? Why do I not compromise on certain values? Why do I let go on some things but not others?
I started thinking about my inner child, and also the house I grew up in. I don’t think my parents realized this until recently when I told them, but I don’t think I ever learned how to communicate what I was experiencing. So I just suppressed everything. Those floodgates kind of opened a couple years ago when I was in a relationship where I felt comfortable letting that stuff out. It was a like dam burst. I probably scared her away, and I feel bad about it. It was like I was looking for validation and to be told things are ok.
I thought about why I started playing drums at 28. Music has always been an escape for me, but I always wanted to play drums. I was in 5th grade drums but I never really practiced too much. Mark Strella carried me and always had my back. My mom never wanted a drumset in the house because it would be really loud. She wanted me to play sitar or tabla instead, it was her dream. Much to my teacher’s chagrin, my practice for sitar would be the lessons I had with him on Monday or Tuesday nights. The first thing I did when I bought my kit last year was buy silencer heads/pads. And eventually when I started my master’s program in August, I told my teacher that I wanted to stop my lessons because I didn’t think I’d be able to practice and didn’t want my one time sitting down to practice for the week to be with him, where I showed no growth from week-to-week. It’d be a waste of his time.
Something I learned about at age 27 or 28 that I didn’t really have my entire life was self-accountability! And gaining a sense of personal agency. Similar to drums, I think achieving my career want of being a project manager (for now) helped enable me in more ways than one. In that I learned how to relate and communicate with others in a respectful way where everyone would be able to get what they want. I also started doing things I wanted regardless of what others were telling me/whatever their perceptions are/were. I know what I want and value, and eventually I’m the one who has to live with my choices. So I’m going to do the things that make me feel happy and fulfilled.
At 28, I was asked by a lot of people why I was taking lessons from a place meant for kids. And I was like, “There’s no age limit on the signs here lol.” But the real story is that when I was growing up taking sitar lessons and playing in competitions, there were people from ages 4-60+. It was the bridge for my family who was middle class to those rich doctors living in McLean, VA. Music was the common denominator that brought us all together no matter how good or bad you were, how old or young you were.
I found the same solace in playing drums as I do as a project manager. Where there is a lot of underlying listening going on for wants and needs, and it was possible to be the person keeping all that together or driving that force. It’s not an overt way of exerting control, but at a basic level a drummer keeps rhythm and beat, and a project manager keeps things organized. In both, when things are stable, you can suggest an idea (in drums, that’s an extra or one less hit somewhere across the kit on a certain beat) and people can entertain it towards something new like a flock of birds (at least, this is my takeaway from 8 years of listening to Phish). When things get chaotic/tense, you try to find a collective center. All that taken into consideration, it’s enough to make you feel like you have an important role to play, and makes you feel like you have some sort of control over things.
I’ve been observant recently as to why I need that to feel something or generally be engaged. I notice that if I’m in that position, I can fuck around but I get focused and get things done. Whereas if I’m not in that role, I just fuck around and make someone else’s life difficult. Why is my ego like that?
Why is it that I feel a want and need to be in some sort of position of influence where I can impact decisions? Which makes me think, why did I feel driven to do something like a family reunion? Is it because I want to do some grandiose gesture to cover up the little things I do to upset others that accrue like a debt and pay it off in one massive sweep? If so, why can’t I just let go and be ok experiencing things as they are? Why do those “debts” sit with me for so long?
In music, why do I feel the need to listen to and play things at a challenging level above my capabilities? Why can’t I just listen to a pop beat or something easy and call it a day? Why am I so drawn to staring at the same, complex problem for a long time until the big picture clicks?
I tend to get bored when I do something easy. I know I can do it, I just don’t get the same thrill. I’m used to living with a lot of variables and factors running through my head and taking into consideration a ton of different viewpoints. If I manage a project that’s expected to stay on track, I get disengaged really quickly. If I’m involved in something extremely chaotic, I step up to the plate. Though if I set the bar too high for myself, I will fail and get discouraged so I need to break it down into realistic steps. For better and worse, I like anything that allows me to think at an abstract level and away from what’s in front of me.
It’s like I’m entirely driven by the idea of proving people wrong, that something can’t be done. That where you are right now is not good enough, and it can be challenged and be made better. For everyone.
I’m not exactly sure where that stems from for me. I think at a young age I was always comfortable in a group setting. I had a lot of cousins, and similarly in school I always felt more comfortable with others than I did by myself. Working with others probably took away the thought of low self-esteem and individual capability. Where I could give a good idea to someone who I respected and prove my point, and if they said or presented the idea it would come across differently and be better received than if I did. That’s something I realized and embodied when I was in elementary or middle school. That if I said a joke or something, it wouldn’t be as funny as if someone else had said it. I latched onto people who did value me normally. But regardless, I always enjoyed the end feeling and results with a group more than anything I did individually.
There’s also something here where in a group setting with 3 or more people, I was able to get away from my thoughts. I don’t like having attention on me. Performing on stage during competitions or being singled out for a presentation still scares me to this day. But if I’m with a few others, I excel. I struggled with one-on-one conversations too. Though on that, I’m more realizing that I just may not have connected with someone well and I just didn’t know how to verbalize that. Or we grew in different directions, and that’s fine too.
To this day, I think the best role for me would be as an advisor to a leader. I find that role comfortable in my relationships and friendships, in my music, and in my career. Like to be myself, I like following someone I respect and helping them build on their thoughts and ideas. I think it was why I was drawn to being a journalist growing up and still value writing so much. I think it’s why I’ve been ok eschewing norms and not being independent, because I honestly just don’t see how the value of one is better than that of the team. Or at least, the trade-off for individuality is not worth the financial and mental burden to me.
At the same time, I wonder if that’s just conditioning I’ve gotten used to that I need to break through. There is some sort of helper/savior mentality there. I don’t know exactly what it is about that me that holds me back from breaking through. I can ascertain that it’s being an asshole and how I come off, or not acting the way others expect. In any sense, with my parents leaving I won’t be part of a quaran-team anymore. I’m going to have to face these things I’ve put off for so long.
I think about life over the past few years and how the 2016 election was a kick in the ass. I wake up with an anxiety and dread every day. I’ve talked about that enough already previously, so I’m just making mention of it to acknowledge it as something that causes me to be extremely motivated and driven by chaos.
Having been enabled by groupthink for so long, my life since then has been exacerbated in that sense. I think about COVID-19 for example, and my fortune of being connected to a lot of wonderful people gave me the perspectives of how so many different people were being impacted. It was a lot to take in, and a lot of people only really know what is happening to themselves, their immediate family, and a friend or few. To be able to get all of that information from people I trust and be able to form a consensus, I can only feel that is my duty to share that out with others so they can be aware too.
I feel like I’m doing all of this now that I feel empowered (better place mentally + recent accomplishments). And I share that stuff with people who’ve been supportive of me because I couldn’t have made it to this point without them. I know that and am extremely grateful for it, and will feel obliged to them forever.
So why does my ego get rattled when people just ignore that information? Do I care that people aren’t listening to me? Or is it more that I’m annoyed they aren’t listening to what many people I personally know to be honest and truthful are saying? Is it my responsibility to share any of that at all? Why do they even need to listen to me in the first place, and who am I for feeling like I need to be the one telling them that stuff?
Is it because in my sense of being scared or concerned, I want others to know so we can potentially do something about it? If so, what can we do?
I think about how I’ve been shouting about fascism in America for the last few years, imploring anyone who will listen to please take this seriously. Is it because I’m crying out so people might listen and rise up to take action against this grave threat to our lives, like they would in any other rich, developed country? Is it because I see the danger and others don’t, and I’m begging them to do something, or else there’s a likelihood our lives will never be the same and I just don’t know what will happen between you and me? Is it because I expect better from people who’ve held me to those standards?
Moreover, why do I feel the need for my thoughts and perspective to be seen as truth and right? Why did it matter so much to me to urgently tell everyone I know that we’re dealing with a fascist? Inherently I’m scared, but why did it matter to them?
That last question I’ve come to learn is a particularly American thing. That what happens to you doesn’t really impact me until it actually does. So, why would others be concerned about fascism or understand why it deeply concerns me if it doesn’t impact them directly? If it’s not a consensus idea or generally understood point, people have a harder time wrapping their heads around it. Whereas countries like Germany have lived it and see those scars, and use them to build a better place.
And so, for such a long time, I had this innocent, naïve belief I could do something to influence my family and friends before something grave ever happened to stop it from ever happening. I held on and on…
And now, I don’t feel that anymore. I feel alone and powerless. I feel togetherness in how we’re going through this chaos with one another. But I feel alone and powerless knowing that all of this is only going to drive us further and further apart. The problem is too great for me to do anything about. And so the existential grief and dread will sit.
If we can’t collectively be considerate of our neighbors at over 100,000 deaths, when will we ever? Maybe I’m just fighting an uphill battle and living in the wrong society.
I feel broken because I’m going to finally have to give in to the individualism I’ve fought against my entire life and think about self-preservation.
I’m wide awake
And the ghosts are out to greet me
Get in, get out