Another month, another dog waiting for their owner to come back from the store.
June was an alright month.
- Switched back to Bullet journalling.
- Recorded 4 episodes of my Russian podcast.
- Released a friendly introduction video for beginners: Watch This Before You Learn to Code.
But I haven't done what I'd planned to do. No two new product launches this month, no new podcast project. According to my journal, most of the days were spent in a brain fog. Sometimes I'm beating myself up for not being productive. Other times I give up and disintegrate on the couch. It's really difficult to predict my energy levels.
A therapist told me that bipolar disease is a spectrum, and I might, after all, have a mild version of it. Might explain a lot, but I don't really believe it. Simply put, there are more probable explanations. Occam's razor and stuff. Diet and sleep, for one.
At the same time, I find myself wanting to have a diagnosis like that. It'd make things simpler in a way. It's not me, it's a disease. Too bad, but hey, there are magic pills!
So maybe I should just, you know, love myself a bit more? Or, at all?
I read this short book: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. Really wanted to like it. But, no, it's nothing. I'd love to be a kind of person who is deeply affected by texts like that. But that won't be me, right? But... then he won't be thinking "it's not me", he would be thinking "it's me".
No plans. I don't want to force myself to do anything until September. This is how I'm going to express my love. Just relax, man. For once.
Damn, this letter is a bummer. Sorry.
I guess I wanted to say this. Learning about yourself is the hardest problem. It's THE problem. It's actually an impossible problem, for two reasons:
- A thing trying to learn itself gets into a recursive loop and changes due to the fact it learns. How very quantum mechanical! Observing changes the observable, but the observable IS the observer, so observing changes the observer. A-a-a-a-a-h!
- A thing exists in time, so it changes regardless. Even when it tries to stay the same.
Thus, it's a race you can't win. The best you can hope for is to enjoy the ride. Or step out of it and realize it's not a race at all. It's a play.