The Weekly Whatever: Not written by bedbugs
Quote of the week
The year is 2040. There have been riots in the streets of London after Britain has run out of petrol because of an oil crisis in the Middle East. Protesters have attacked public buildings. Several policemen have died. Consequently, the Government has deployed the Army to curb the protests. After two days the protests have been stopped but twenty-five protesters have been killed by the Army. You are the Prime Minister. Write the script for a speech to be broadcast to the nation in which you explain why employing the Army against violent protesters was the only option available to you and one which was both necessary and moral.
-- 2011 Eton College entrance exam
Woodpecker engineering
- "We’re literally breaking the features that the web gives you out of the box with JavaScript—to fix the performance issues with created with JavaScript—and then reimplementing these features with even more JavaScript… all in the name of performance (which again, we ruined in the first place with all of the JavaScript)."
Wait, what?
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National Geographic teams up with Nestlé to promote bottled water in decorative single-use plastic wrappers.
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NFL "social justice" group funds charity to cut black kids' dreadlocks off so they can have a "better life".
Threat Level Orange
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US government now allowed to set up fake social media accounts to monitor foreigners.
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Trump made an early start on illegal campaign finance for the 2020 campaign.
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Trump visits the National Museum of African American History and Culture, doesn't want to see anything 'difficult', sees exhibit about the Dutch role in the global slave trade, remarks "You know, they love me in the Netherlands".
That's some mighty fine police work there, Lou
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Two NYPD detectives accused (with DNA evidence) of raping a handcuffed teenage girl while she was in custody, will escape jail time.
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Boston Police union: Antifa are the real fascists and the only way to deal with them is violence. Peaceful protesters at far right event get pepper sprayed.
Well, fancy that!
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Trump's tariffs may have increased midwest US farm bankruptcies, but Russian farmers are doing great!
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Boris Johnson secretly agreed to suspend the UK's Parliament two weeks before denying it would happen.
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Man who founded one of the US's largest gay conversion therapy ministries announces that conversion therapy is a lie, and he's gay.
Sick, sad world
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Round Rock high school now teaching Adulting 101.
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Mother of 17 month old who was shot in the face in the mass shooting in Texas: "Toddlers are funny because they can get shot but still want to run around and play".
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Woman returns home from college to surprise her mother — who shoots her.
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Huge drug bust turns out to be vegan cake mix. David Amess MP unavailable for comment.
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Hitler's last living relative convicted of pedophilia.
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Anti-baldness drug mislabeled as acid reflux treatment, resulting in really hairy children.
Not The Onion
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Greg Abbott says "mistakes were made" regarding his mailing telling people to "DEFEND Texas" and "take matters into our own hands" the day before the El Paso mass shooting. Meanwhile, indicted Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton received months of racist and violent letters promising a bloodbath and didn't bother to report them to law enforcement.
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Nashville school bans Harry Potter books to avoid the risk of conjuring evil spirits.
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Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson suggests dealing with Hurricane Dorian by using the power of the mind to will it away.
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Steve King claims he drank "pretty good" toilet water at a migrant detention center.
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Argument between pastors' wives ends with gunfire in parking lot.
Late stage capitalism
- Amazon's deliveries are handled by desperate people making $160 a day, with contracting companies used to dodge responsibility for the accidents.
This should end well
- As of September 1st, Texas allows you to take guns to school as long as you leave them in the car, and you can take guns into churches.
Extreme awesome
- Maid of honor told she can wear "anything", chooses T-rex costume.
Schadenfreude Friday
- Texas Court of Appeals tosses Alex Jones's appeal and orders him to pay court costs.