A few notes before I send our first letter.
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Topics will most likely vary wildly. I've sent two email blasts (using just gmail before this ... alas) and the subject lines were (1) "Shitty Christians: A Recollection of Recent Events" and (2) "Violent Video Games; Loss of Worlds." Lol. So a lot of ground to cover!
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I think that will suffice.
For those of you who may not know, my part-time day job is nannying. I currently work with this adorable girl who I enjoy working with so much, but I wasn't always so lucky. And I haven't even nannied that much!
I've had kids hit me, yell at me. Bite me (literally. the same kid twice!). It's always bizarre. It brings out some cold rock inside me. That's something that's hard to explain, but I'll try.
Sometimes when I am taking care of a child, I turn icy and hard. Probably some childhood whatever-the-fuck. Whatever the cause, it happens and it comes on hard and fast. Maybe the kid bites the hell out of my hand, or maybe I'm just in a bad mood. I look in the mirror while I'm helping the child wash their hands and I don't recognize my face. Who is this person who'd do anything to not be here?
I told my therapist (buzzword! buzzword!) about this because I was terrified I was like, abusing these children or something. She told me I wasn't (thank you god), or the kid would be literally actually terrified of me. Most likely I was just feeling a certain coldness, which I called a little seed of meanness, and not acting on it. I don't know why this is. It's hard to explain without sounding like a psychopath.
Really I think it's a classic circumstance of acting what you already know. When I am overwhelmed, I know to go rock solid and silent. Where this comes from is anyone's guess. I won't reiterate my therapist's beliefs -- that's a little invasive, even for me.
When you're taking care of a kid, that usually won't fly. The silence, I mean. "Jules, what are you doing?"; "Helloooooooooo Ju-wels," etc. There's an active need. So what do you do when you get sudden icicle syndrome? I don't know. I talked about it and then it mostly went away. I really don't know why. I don't know what even got me writing about this. I guess in a way it's interesting. I would venture to guess that I'm not the only person who sometimes feels an impenetrable mountain of agitation and moodiness, but it feels like it now. Whatever!
Children are fucking hard to take care of, too. I've gotten much kinder (and I was already pretty kind) in childcare pursuits. Talking about my occasional internal evil creatures helps, apparently. Little internal goblins = frustration with children? I don't know. Let's talk about something else.
I wish I had some more interesting news to report, but things have basically been the same as usual. I went on a cruise a month ago. We had the first "Prom: 2006" full cast/crew meeting tonight. I'm doing three hours of photography for $80 in cash (woo! immediate pay) at a semi-random club tonight. I have an exam tomorrow I have done no work for (except reading 5 pages of the 30-page-long Chapter 1, of which 1/3 of the exam is comprised. blessings abound). Everything is similar to every other time. I've been feeling like that a lot recently, and I'm not even someone who really likes change. I just have felt like I'm not going anywhere.
In reality, maybe, life is plateaus and growth and decay. Up, steady, down, steady, up, up, down, steady. Anyways. I'm somewhere steady right now. I'd enjoy it more except my dad died a year ago. My mom is getting his ashes soon, if she hasn't already. We were supposed to have another year. Sorry to be bleak, but it's true, that is most likely affecting my mood most. OH! Good news, though, my typing speed is now, on average, 90 WPM. That's words per minute. 1.5 words per second, excellent!
Anyways, that's our first entry on here. I sort of hate the format of the entry on this website, but onwards we persevere. XO. Also let me know if y'all want to read short stories or anything, too ... I have one stewing as we speak ...