Recently I have been spending a lot of time watching Kyle play a game called “Rainbow Six Siege.” From what I gather, the premise is that there are two teams (offense and defense); the offense attempts to infiltrate an abandoned building/site and disable a bomb, the defense attempts to protect their bomb site and (although this happens after the “round”) destroy the building.
The main actions in the games are:
1. Running
2. “Droning” (i.e. sending a little robot wheeled drone to scout out areas for you)
3. Shooting guns.
I’ve shot a gun once in my life — one shot. I’ll admit it. I remember being younger and telling myself one of my life goals was never to even touch a real gun. I held that conviction until New Year’s Eve 2023-2024, while I was at Kyle’s friend Jacob’s (fake name) house.
The group of young(ish?) adults was remarking about how many gunshots were audible in their neighborhood. The shots didn’t seem purposeful. People were just firing guns. Some dangerous celebration that is. The children of these young(again, ish?) adults were scared of the firework sounds, but looking back I wonder if they had some sense of the cloud of gun psuedo-violence around them. I think when a gun is fired, even if it’s at nothing, it’s dangerous. It’s a powerful, miniature machine, right?
Then Jacob (fake name, still) went into the house and brought out a handgun, and everyone took turns shooting it into a ditch. I did, too. I was actually one of the first to do it. I don’t know why. I wanted to; it was bizarre.
I shot it into the ditch, letting Kyle instruct me on how to safely fire a gun. Never put your finger on the trigger unless you are going to shoot. So I had him turn off the safety (my nails were too long, I couldn’t do it), aimed at the ditch, and fired a 3-4” wide circle into the ground.
I remember how loud it was. I think I probably looked shocked. Actually, I know I did, because I felt how wide my eyes were, and my mouth, embarrassingly, hanging open.
I wish nobody had ever made guns. I wish nobody made video games about them. I have complex but overall sad feelings about this sort of thing. Who needs to shoot anything? Who needs to shoot anybody?
Maybe something slow like a bow and arrow, or whatever the fuck, for hunting seems okay. That (from what I’ve heard — Kyle has gone hunting but always used a bow) at least has some air of dignity to it. Fairness. You have to be strong, and precise, and thoughtful. Quiet, too. I couldn’t really be a successful vegetarian, though I tried twice (I think twice). I just wish eating meat wasn’t so awful.
Commodified violence is such a prominent theme in the world. We’ll be precise — it’s prominent in America. Video games about shooting people, and about running into pedestrians with absurdly fast cars. Movies about superheroes destroying cities, villains bombing safe buildings (like Heath Ledger as the Joker bombing that hospital, or something? Right?). And it’s just like, that’s TV. That’s movies, media. Fast, brutal; quick and dirty. Not even dirty; bloody. Gore. Ugh.
Anyways, I guess I’ve just been thinking about that a little while watching Kyle play this game. I feel like it's too easy at this time in the world to be brutal and destructive. Of course, I’ve never lived in another time, so how well can I truly say? But I think about Ancient Judea, which believe it or not I spent a long time learning about last fall (“History of the Ancient Near East” by Professor J. Rainbow, a super-genius albeit somewhat sadistic professor).
You had to pray to God to destroy your enemies with you. It wasn’t something you could just do; you needed divinity on your side. Something big had to be working alongside you. Now, what, you go to Wal-Mart (genuinely that just autocorrected to “War-Mart” — the robot in my computer has a sense of humor, no?) and buy an assault rifle?
I hope nobody here really judges me for shooting a gun randomly at some guy’s New Year’s Eve kickback. I guess I shouldn’t have done it, but it seemed radical and bizarre, and of course then it was in some ways enticing. Character flaw! Character flaw! I have admitted something wrong with me! Alas, we’ll push on.
Sometimes I worry that every day you lose the world you’ve known. I mean things are so fucked right now, and I don’t really even read the news. I don’t trust newspapers anymore after the New York Times (which always, for some reason — perhaps it’s liberal skew — appealed to me) made a crossword that really, really looked like a Swastika on the first day of Hanukkah (this happened, I believe, in 2022). Of course there’s no proof of intent behind this, but it just made me skeptical. So of course, logically, I never really read their paper again out of bitterness and distrust.
But I think everyone would mostly agree that things are not the best they’ve been. Maybe it always feels that way, but I don’t know. I feel like American Shit is gearing up towards some bad reckoning of sorts. Also “Genocide Joe” makes me fucking terrified that Donald Trump will win the election, which makes me ready to jump off a bridge. And I’m a white person, so it can't even be that bad for me.
Alas, life goes on. Sorry this was quite a cynical message, I suppose I’ve just been in a bit of a cynical mood underneath all the external whatever-the-fuck. Next time I’ll aim for something more positive, fingers crossed.