It's an unfortunate fact of my life that I think of all of my meaningful group relationships, for at least some healthy portion of the time, in terms of social politics. Schemes of hierarchy, words and their weights, social intrigue ... general nuance. See also: everything that terrifies and confuses me.
I have a hard enough time balancing friendship as it is; when a group dynamic or some sort of web-or-webweaving mechanism comes into play I become a bastard, born of terror (which appears, it would seem to me, as force and cruelty) and shame. I was raised, of course, by shame. I've found that as shame's daughter, I must cope with things being against me, and more so them being my fault. I craft stories in my head of why things are how they are.
If someone looks at me sideways -- it could not be a speck of dust in their eye. It's something I've done to elicit judgment, or a personality flaw of their own which causes them to act callously. Most typically, though, I believe that critical remarks of this nature (i.e. devised by my own maladjusted perceptions) is elicited by some secret wrong I've done. Something atrocious! Something worthy of hatred and (this is where it always leads) exile from the social circle. It always goes like that in my head.
As I got older, these stories became less elementary, and more dark. More ... twisted! Now it's not only that I've committed some horrid gaffe (or worse -- though this is more uncommon for me -- a genuine act of wicked intent), but that there are long, strategic and elegant maneuvers being made against me. To disarm and destroy me. And eventually, as I've said previously, to banish me. This paranoia is hard to pinpoint and even more so to subdue, so I go on living with it and following its guidance.
I realize I have some (some ... maybe just some) social anxiety, I am aware of my general "issues." But for the purpose of investigation I'm going to ignore the clinical and the mental alike. We're just going to ask -- why is this such a strong feeling I have, that all friendships are political?
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To start, let it be known: there have been many times I have fallen from grace. I know, I know, shock and awe among you. Jules is so sweet, so lovely, whatever. Oftener than I'd like (ideally this would be never) I fail. I used to tell myself that it's because I typically hold myself to such a high standard that others do as well. Maybe, I've said, therein lies the curse: perhaps my social record is somehow more spotless than others'. Then, it could be that when I get a bit of tarnish it's devastating to myself and reproachful to others.
I used to really think this because I felt like I got judged, oftentimes, more harshly than my faux pas warranted. A few such incidents:
Once I told a friend having three sexual partners (unprotected) at once was unsafe and stupid, and perhaps she should date girls or something and take a break from fucking several shitty men at once. I proposed that she seemed to want a real relationship, and this behavior wasn't the way to get to that (in my opinion). I said this too forcefully, and later regretted how I made my case. She cut me out of her life entirely.
Once, I was getting coffee with an old friend, and he proposed we stop somewhere that I knew already was hosting another two friends of mine, who had broken up and were discussing it. A bit embarrassed, and perhaps manically alarmed, of my private knowledge (of the ex-couple's secret conversation), I let my friend take to the coffeeshop and prayed we wouldn't see them. Then one of the couple froze me out until we were no longer friends.
Once, I got too drunk and tried to have a "deep convo" with a friend about what I perceived was continuous aggression on her part. I think my exact words were: "Where does your aggression come from?" (yes it's mortifying, I was drunk, I regret it and hopefully made some sort of drunken apology). The general sentiment I got back was that I'm white American (and born of white American parents) and the cause of my perceiving her behavior as aggressive/mean is actually due to my own internalized racism and passivity (a deep character flaw).
These are all mortifying on my end, but unfortunately I have not been able to totally feel that I deserved the response I got for my flawed behavior. Perhaps that's immaturity -- likely it is. The hurt and shame remains the same, regardless. So while I haven't entirely outgrown my sort of occasionally-self-pitying outlook (much to my humiliation and dismay), at least I can say I'm aware of it.
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Now we'll return to the fundamental question of today: are friendships really political? Recently I've felt as though they are. There are exchanges of currency, for one. Who will you post a cute picture with?! who will you ride to the party with?! who will hold your hair while you're puking drunk?! And then there's the question of whether you return these political gifts at a later time (repost the story...make a scene of arriving together...post a funny bathroom selfie, #storytime). This all gets counted and recounted in my mind; am I measuring up? What's my balance, do I have enough to make a withdrawal if I need it? How's my savings looking, am I secure? And et cetera.
There are political favors, too. Covert operations sometimes. "Hey, FRIEND X was totally weird to me ... see what's going on?" leads to a secret investigation, complete with a paperwork-ed debrief and further plans of action. "FRIEND Y told me you did this ... I wanted to say my piece." Disagree, agree; to share a private sympathy, or a note of concern and dislike? And beyond that -- who else do you get involved? What sort of political backing is needed: can you go it alone, or would it be best to operate as a group?
Regardless of the reasoning for me viewing my relationships in this way, it permeates my life greatly. I wonder often if I'm the only one keeping score, and if so: how the hell am I still winding up last?
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So what exactly do we know here? Jules is bad at general sociable behavior. Jules is typically ashamed of herself for this. Jules is ... what? Right or wrong? Neither? Am I perpetually an unskilled social politics player, or just deeply anxious and ridiculous? Now, at least, I'm more so of the mind that I'm just not very good at playing politics, but that doesn't mean that the feeling of inadequacy abates.
Of course, it's most likely that there are no overt political games at play in my friend dynamics. I don't think that's really something people think about (except, granted, myself). I hope it isn't, at least. Or how the hell can I ever hope to survive, much less win?