It's been a long time since I've written an email to share with you. I think the last email I sent out was 3 months ago and since then, there have been plenty of realizations, becomings and un-becomings, and growing pains.
I feel like I'm finally able to catch a breath and emerge from "somewhere" 🌳 - wherever I was over the last 3 months that took me away from writing these emails, collecting my thoughts, and just honestly sharing with you...
To be honest, I feel the last 3 months I was in survival mode. I had taken on lots of client work, hired more writers for the agency, took vacation, and poured my creativity into my latest "experiment"/project - which is 365 days of daily vlogs on my personal Instagram account (we're at day 104 btw)!
I sat down to write these emails many times, thinking of different themes and topics, and finding resources... but every time I went to type out a letter my chest constricted and I felt very much repelled by the idea. My thoughts were scattered, it took a lot of energy to write one or two sentences, and I distracted myself with other things.
I felt bad because I told myself I would send out a newsletter each month with musings and thoughts on #fiercelove - and I felt like I was letting myself down by not sticking to this schedule I created for myself. In reality, I wasn't ready to write again and I didn't know how to share my thoughts and ideas in a way that was clear (for myself and for others).
In my last email, I wrote about "Embracing Surrender" and how I was grieving an identity that gave so much to me, learning to give and receive equally, and setting boundaries (whew, you know the usual).
And today I want to share what embracing surrender really, truly looked and felt like...
TERRIBLE (lol, jk - let me collect myself).
Over the past 3 months, I've felt a numbness to... everything.
Hanging out with my new friends in Toledo
It got to a point where I had to really sit down and ask myself "AM I OK"? Don't worry, I brought it up to my therapist and we're working on monitoring my mood/emotions but since bringing this up to her, I actually feel a lot better.
Since this numbness started growing in me, I started turning to more spiritual aspects of my practice...
My tarot cards
My human design type
My oracle cards
Sitting and feeling THROUGH my emotions (instead of trying to understand why I have them or always journaling them)
I realized I needed to leave the house more, surround myself with my community and network, and tap into my creative joy.
They're definitely not "quick fixes" to my numbness but they are helping me feel through things instead of turning to my phone and numbing the numbness with MORE numbness... ya feel me? 😅
What also helps is surrounding myself with vibrant colors that make me appreciate the fact that I live in a beautiful, colorful, bright, and vibrant world (sounds cheesy and flowery but here's a little secret, every day I take a moment to share a gratitude for my vision and eyes, that I can see and experience colors because I NEED them).
These are 2 Instagram accounts that are lively with colors that I scroll every so often when I feel 'numb' and know that colors will help me:
@ettavee - Jessi is a Black woman and mom from the USA now living in France
@soleoado - Leȯ is a trans person and a Puerto Rican artist and musician
In one of my daily vlogs, I asked the question... "How do you show up and still have motivation when you're living the life that you once dreamed of?"
Yes, it sounds privileged AF.
Yes, it also sounds like I'm a spoiled brat.
And yes, this sounds so... unimportant compared to the other things that are going on in the world.
But after working through a lot of grief and numbness, I got to the point where I was like... well... I don't have drive and motivation anymore.
And I didn't want to base my drive on external accomplishments or "things" and accolades that I could collect... I wanted to find my internal drive and motivation to show up again.
A friend and past client messaged me, Carol, and she had a really great perspective for me to consider...
She asked me: "Why do you need to work for the next thing? Why can't you enjoy everything you've built?"
I know, it sounds SO simple but for someone who had a barely profitable business for the first 2 years, letting myself enjoy the life I dreamed of seems reckless and dangerous.
How could I let my guard down?
How could I let myself enjoy when there are things to be done?
How could I spend my own money that I worked for enjoying the things I wanted and treated myself to?
And then my therapist said the same thing: "Enjoy this moment. You built this moment, you created this life, you did it. Why don't you pause and let it soak in?"
And then just recently, another friend and past client, Aneakaleigh, shared the same thing... "We built this! It's beautiful and good, why not enjoy each moment of it?"
So I'm finally coming to accept that fuck - I built the life I dreamed of years ago. I created a network of people in Spain (and around the world). My business is profitable and pays for all my life and travels, as well as, other folx on the team...
I can enjoy this part of my journey knowing that it is the foundation for the next chapter of it.
After months of what I felt was "grieving" and "accepting"... I feel like I'm finally ready to move on and claim what I've been so scared of.
I'm ready to claim what I've been shamed for, made fun of, and never encouraged to do...
The opportunities are moving, I feel it!
I don't feel so "sad" about my identity anymore and letting something go, which now I realize wasn't really "letting go" but making SPACE for.
I feel colorful, energized, excited, and rejuvenated after moments of numbness, lack of motivation, and disinterest.
I'll leave you with this final quote that I love:
Don't deny your fire, my dear, just be who you are and burn. -Mark Anthony
#stayfierce 🐙 fam,
P.S. If you are loving these newsletters, I'd love it if you could forward this to a friend! These intimate letters are very therapeutic to write each month and I hope they resonate with you somewhere on your journey.