Embracing surrender 🍃
Remember when I said I wanted to live in my TWILIGHT ZONE? 🌌
Well, I definitely got a dose of all that this month. Also, now that we're entering Gemini season - I feel a lot of random, chaotic, wild energy floating around and embodying my space!
I suppose the thing about "life" is that when you claim something and decide to accept it, the Universe really starts moving to give you what you want...
That includes removing things from your life that are no longer serving you to make space for your bigger vision.
And this month was a lot of surrendering to that.
Not only surrendering to it, but it was also about embracing that surrender.
Continuing to Grieve
Identity is a funny thing, right? We search for ours, we attach meaning to different identities and personas, and even when we know that identity can change and adapt based on our current season of life - we still hold onto who we thought we were.
That's my current grief right now.
Grieving an identity I put so much value on, an identity that protected me, got me to where I am today and helped me build the life I have.
Surrendering to a new identity sounds almost reckless.
Over the past month, while I was excited to explore my Twilight Zone and be more creative, embrace more joy, and live life in Toledo - I think every day I had a gnawing feeling inside.
It was this small reminder that while I am enjoying and building my life here in Toledo, I am leaving behind a part of myself that nurtured and supported me for so long.
It was almost like abandoning ME for "NEW ME".
And maybe this is something I should talk with my therapist about (hello, abandonment issues 😅), but I have to think... am I leaving myself behind if I move towards myself? If I occupy the space in between, can I fully surrender and embrace my path?
Giving & Receiving
In my morning journaling and oracle card pulls, the card that came up repeatedly for me this month was "Giving & Receiving" - reminding me that there is a balance of giving and receiving in everything we do (karma? yin & yang? infinity?)
This then got me to think about "embracing surrender" which are technically polar opposites. Since I love Googling definitions - here's what I found:
SURRENDER (verb) - to give up or hand over, to give in to something
EMBRACE (verb) - accept (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically
The thing about "surrender" and "embrace" is that they're usually also used with different connotations. Surrender sounded almost aggressive like you're being forced to do something because of authority, a higher power, or out of your own will.
Embrace, on the other hand, sounds softer and calmer. It sounds warm, welcoming, and something that we'd genuinely want - like a "warm embrace" (a hug)!
How do the two go together though?
This is where I kept thinking about my grief, about letting go, and really surrendering everything I planned for "my life" or my business and embracing the fact that I don't really know.
I mean, yes, I still plan and strategize but I try not to worry so much about the "how" anymore and try to trust the process.
I learned this month that there are a lot of things in my life - projects, relationships, friendships, ideas, beliefs, etc. that I need to surrender to the Universe because they don't serve me anymore. That, to me, was really scary and uncomfortable because all these things were tied to my identity before. They were tied to something that I thought was so important - they were tied to my story, how I got to where I am, an idea I created of myself - surrendering them would mean almost letting the idea of who I was go...
And whew, the ego does NOT like that idea, btw.
How do you move towards "this you that you've always wanted to be" when the current "you" isn't so bad?
Do you know what I mean?
Embracing Surrender
I've been journaling on this concept and idea for the past weeks, thinking to myself.. what the heck does this mean...
And to be honest, I can't come up with something tangible to share with you in this newsletter.
All I can think of are random phrases and thoughts that go something like:
"Let go"
"You're moving towards your purpose"
"Your creativity will flourish"
"Let the ego die"
"Bring compassion"
"You did it"
While I'm sure all these phrases might not make sense to someone just reading them randomly, they kinda make sense to me?
This month, I decided to remove things in my business that weren't working anymore. They "used" to work, they "used" to bring me joy, and they were once things that I wanted and thought would add to my journey. Now, I realize they were all "ego-based" decisions that I thought would make me look good, were people-pleasing tendencies hidden in the name of 'profit' and 'service', and they were experiments (all experiments are good, in my opinion).
This month, in my personal life I also decided to remove things that weren't working anymore. Instead of "tangible" things, they were more ideas and beliefs that were holding me back. I let go of fear, worry, and judgment. I realized THOSE things were actually holding me back from bringing more joy and fun into my life. They held back my creative expression, my opportunity to deepen relationships, and my ability to make friends and do wild things!
I suppose the biggest realization I had this month is that by embracing surrender, I can let my ego go. I can let the ego die. Even writing this sounds like my ego is still creeping up though (hah!).
My final thought on all of this is...
If I'm able to let my ego go, my identity deaths wouldn't be SO painful, would they? I wouldn't need to mourn who I was because I could embrace the surrender to who I am.
I'll leave you with 2 journaling prompts that helped me this month (as in dragged my ass - like most of my journaling prompts do lol):
SHADOW WORK: Where do I find myself being envious? Where does jealousy or extreme denial creep in? Am I willing to do the work that they've done to live that life? Or, am I still too scared?
IDENTITY: Where do I feel like I'm betraying myself if I surrender to who I'm becoming? What will happen if I embrace the idea that I'm meant to bloom?
This newsletter felt a bit all over the place this month - so many new concepts, changes, and beginnings happening over here! I can't share them yet, due to respect for the process, but I'm hoping to share them with you soon ❤️️
Just know that life is good, creativity is flowing, and although it's really terrifying - I'm moving slowly towards embracing surrender of the idea and vision I once had, into something even more beautiful, blooming, and becoming that could be.
#stayfierce 🐙 fam,
Cassandra
P.S. If you are loving these newsletters, I'd love it if you could forward this to a friend! These intimate letters are very therapeutic to write each month and I hope they resonate with you somewhere on your journey.