A longing & yearning for... something ✨
Whew, it is APRIL & Aries season! 🔥 Idk about y'all, but Pisces season was emotionally charged.
I had a lot of emotions and feelings that I was processing, a 30th birthday to celebrate, and just all the things in the world were weighing HEAVY on me.
Before diving into ALLZ the emotions I want to share about this month, here's a quick update on what's going on over here:
THE 30TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS
I technically had been planning my 30th birthday since I turned 28 and knew I wanted to do something big and boujee for myself! So I saved up and did everything that I wanted to do:
Rented a villa on the Mediterranean coast in Valencia, Spain
Catered a paella valenciana and fideuá marisco
Bought the birthday cake I wanted
Planned and had a boozy, boujee, birthday brunch
Celebrated with an amazing group of people
Check out some photos of my 30th boozy boujee birthday bash here!
And on the day of my birthday, I woke up - had an anxiety attack, cried for an hour, and sobbed as I wrote a letter to my ancestors.
Not necessarily how I thought my birthday day would start but alas, ya girl was overcome with a lot of ANGST, LONGING, AND YEARNING.
I'm not sure what happened that made me cry for an hour, but as soon as I woke up I felt "off". I'm not sure if you have ever felt a really big PULL towards something, that's exactly what happened. First, my mind took over and went into overdrive, overwhelm, and hardcore storytelling mode - creating situations that brought anxiety and fear.
Then, my body reacted to what my mind was thinking - I started getting really hot, I was shaking, and then my breath got shorter and shorter, to the point where my chest felt like it was having contractions.
To help move me out of this state, I tried meditation, breathwork, my morning routine, and then finally pulling oracle & tarot cards.
That's when I felt a huge pull to write a letter to my ancestors, past & present, and connect with them.
I cried during the entire process, that was about an hour haha, and afterward felt my body release all the tension, a wave of calm wash over me, and I swear I heard my ancestors - even the ones I don't even know.
The rest of my birthday was actually very calm and perfect. I painted, did skincare, read my books, studied for my driving test, and played with outfits in my closet. I don't know what happened that morning but I had never felt a pull so strong to connect with my ancestors like that before.
LETTING MY SHIT TAKE OVER
Aside from my birthday, there were lots of moments in March where I let a lot of my "shit" take over my life.
Fear?
Overthinking?
Victimhood?
Playing small?
Holla - all those emotions and scenarios came alive during March. If you look through my morning journal pages, there is a common theme that has been coming up for the past 3 months (Jan-March), which is me getting in my own way.
Like, REALLY getting in my own way. All of that manifested itself in procrastination, distractions, sulking, excuses, and a lot of shame and guilt I held onto for 'NOT' getting out of my own way.
All those feelings I held onto were also mixed with feelings of LONGING & YEARNING that felt so big in my body that I thought I was going to burst.
For the past 3 months, I felt lost and without purpose. Work is going well, but nothing "hard" or "challenging" was happening - everything was flowing. My social life is going well - I'm actually meeting friends and making new ones in Toledo. My romantic relationship is going well, the boo & I are having serious conversations about our future and what we want it to look like... And there is nothing to "complain" about.
Yet, almost every day of the last 3 months I woke up and felt lost, without purpose, and an immense feeling of longing and yearning. I cried for dreams I was terrified to make happen. I screamed for frustrations that I was too afraid to confront. I longed and yearned for a life that I dreamed of but was too fearful to take action.
It was like I was mourning and grieving for all the amazing things I dreamed of but knew I was too scared to act on because of all the "shit" I mentioned before.
SO, where do we go from here? Everything I just shared is incredibly personal - no one knows (maybe my sisters and my partner), of all those things I felt. It feels nice to let you in on the inner workings and behind-the-scenes of life in this way.
In the last weeks, 2 things have helped me move past all that fear and lean into the longing and yearning I feel. I'd like to share them with you now!
Journaling on this prompt: "Why am I so scared of myself?"
This TEDx talk from Susan Cain & Min Kym on "The hidden power of sad songs and rainy days"
"Why am I so scared of myself?"
Whew, this journal prompt came to me after pulling an oracle card one morning and y'all it slapped me in the face and dragged my whiny ass 😅
I journaled on it for almost 3 pages, realizing that I am terrified of myself. I am terrified OF the power I hold, OF what I can do, OF choosing to live a life that is filled with joy, creativity, and ease.
I am scared of myself because my deep fear is rejection and not belonging.
But what came up for me when I journaled was that I cannot be rejected or made NOT to belong because I am HOME within myself. I cannot be abandoned if I BELONG to myself. I cannot be rejected if I fully love AND accept every single part of myself.
And here's the kicker I wrote: "The reality/truth is that I cannot fear to be abandoned or rejected because those are other people's opinions and that really is none of my business anyway, so why do I care so much?"
So my question to you is if you feel a deep longing and yearning for something, why are you so scared of yourself to pursue it? ❤️️
LONGING & YEARNING - sad songs that make you feel some type of way
I think I found this TEDx talk by accident. I never listen to podcasts anymore, nor do I really listen to "talks" like this on Spotify. One day, I was making lunch and this TEDx talk popped up on my Spotify.
It piqued my curiosity - I wanna know why in the past 3 months I have loved listening to sad songs. So, I pressed play and Susan Cain's voice came on, with the violin played by Min Kym... and I cried.
I cried listening to the whole damn talk - not from sadness, but from feeling seen, heard, and joy.
I cried because someone had finally verbalized all these emotions of longing and yearning I had been sifting through for the past 3 months.
If you're also experiencing those emotions, I HIGHLY recommend listening to this TEDx talk because it was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head and my body.
One week later, I decided to lean into my feelings of longing & yearning, not being afraid of myself, and go towards that romanticized version of my life that I was mourning and grieving two months prior.
I'll let y'all in on my little secret project. My longing & yearning was to publicly share about my life, without fear of judgment and joy of sharing & connecting with people. I decided to document my journey to become a content creator on TikTok 😮
Alright - that's all for this month! So many emotions, my goodness. I hope this Aries season brings you opportunities, fiery creativity, and ease in the form of creative expression.
#stayfierce fam 🐙
Cassandra