Reflections
This is the third time I've started this, mainly because I can't figure out what I want to say. I've got a big mish-mash of thoughts and emotions and I want to tease them out, make them known.
So, let's start at the beginning: 2023
2023 Started in 2022
Having your second kid come into the world on Dec 26th means that your New Year started early. The turn of the calendar from '22 to '23 meant not that much to me. Not after an emotionally difficult pregnancy, a really joyful birth, and then my partner almost dying from post-partum pre-eclampsia. We started again, then, on the 26th of December.
The rest of 2023 has been a goddamn blur, a confusing one, for me. I'm sitting here with a sizeable desire to look forward to this New Year, but I have a need to make sure I understand what got me here.
So, the notable events of 2023. Let's go.
We welcomed a new kiddo!
Yes, I mentioned this literal sentences ago, but Vanya is here now. We didn't expect this pregnancy any more than the first one, but this one held significantly less joy. We decided to go ahead with it and wow, was that a difficult decision. As the early months of his life went by, it was hard to not wonder what things could be like if we had chosen differently.
I know that probably sounds heartless or brutal to some of you. I love both my kiddos dearly. That doesn't mean that the hard times didn't make me long for the days of only having one kid. Of wondering if we were going to be enough for the both of them. Of wondering how we were going to make all the rest of life work. But those moments pass and then you've got an amazing little life in your arms. That's been good.
We also had moments of intense joy. Vanya and Bebe both are amazing kids and it's been awesome to see each of them grow and change. I do not miss the newborn days, not one bit, though. He's still not quite sleeping through the night, either, so unbroken sleep is something I still long for.Day Jobs Suck, Part 1!
Elissa has been the primary job-holder since Bebe was born. That job, which had seemingly treated her well through all the maternity leave and such, suddenly was not doing so. She ended up having to go back to work a month early or they were going to stop paying her. As parental leave of any kind isn't the law of the land in the US, there was no choice.
So she went back to work and I was then at home with the two kids (aged three months and 21 months, respectively). That was wickedly hard for both of us. Far from ideal. More to come in Part 2.Hi, I'm Autistic! (Hi, Autistic, I'm Dad)
Am I proud of that joke? A little. Was there any way that I could not make that joke? Not on your life.
So, yeah, the short(er) version is that through Tik-Tok and conversations with Elissa, I've realized I'm autistic. There's a thing that can happen when you realize, or get a diagnosis like that, and it happened to me: skill regression. I forgot how to do a lot of the things that I was able to do before I knew. That sounds ludicrous, I know, but it happened and it's wild to experience.
I've always struggled with my identity, with knowing who I am and what I'm about. I had a good run where I was surrounding myself with people who reflected good things back at me and where I was engaging in activities (like TTRPG conventions) where I knew what to do, how to act... who to be. The pandemic ended the cons and a big life change for a dear set of friends meant that the core place where I felt most myself was gone.
So that was a struggle. Still is, if I'm being honest. I've never been a good communicator and now I'm worse. I have a really hard time identifying my emotions and wants, then I get intensely frustrated when those things aren't acknowledged and met. Trying to figure out which parts of me are core to who I am, which parts are masking that I've done to make my way through the world, and which parts are pure bullshit that I need to change? Really difficult.
Alongside the interpersonal stuff, I've realized that a lot of my TTRPG work was a special interest and that has waned. I've largely replaced TTRPGs with Magic: The Gathering. That's not necessarily good or bad, but it is a reality. I've tried to describe to people how wholly absent TTRPGs are from my life right now and I don't think I've been able to be understood. Almost overnight, everything changed. What I once loved and poured my time and energy into, I no longer can. At least, not in the same way. I seem to be a One Special Interest kind of autistic person. But, who knows? This time last year, I didn't know anything about this key part of myself. I could learn something that changes everything again (please, no).Day Jobs Suck, Part 2!
In late Spring, my wife received a new job description from her employer. She and I both expected that this would be what she had been assured was coming: that they were going to take care of her. It was going to be a new position, with new responsibilities, and a commensurate pay raise.
It was two of those three things. I'll let you guess which one was missing.
So, she didn't accept it. They said they then no longer had a place for her and that June 30 would be her last day.
(If you're not in the US and you're reading this, no she wasn't in a union, there was no recourse, and the company just ended things. Couple that with the lack of parental leave and a host of other things and the US is way, waaaaaay behind. It sucks.)
Fortunately, Elissa is very good at what she does and some folks recognized that. So since July, we've been both cobbling together contract work to keep the lights on and mouths full. It's been working out and it looks like it will continue to do so for a while longer, yet. We proceed.Making Things for Me!?
One of the big things I've been working on in recent months is my relationship to my work, my art. I've spent my entire professional creative career making things because I was going to sell them. First and foremost. My first-ever TTRPG that I wrote went directly to Kickstarter and I've basically done that since.
I don't want to do that anymore. I don't like what it does to me. I don't like the boom/bust cycle of Kickstarters. I especially don't like how bad I am at fulfilling them (if you're a backer of Iron Edda Reforged, there's an update coming soon, promise). So I'm not going to do that.
What I want to do is make things because I want to. To make them for me. Will they end up in a form which allows me to sell them? Probably, mainly because that's how I know how to produce things. But the timeline, the nature of them, the art itself, I'm going to do because I want to. That means it can take as long as it takes, it can be as messy as it is, and I just get to learn and enjoy the process.
I plan to post stuff to Patreon as I go (hi, if you're reading this there!) because I like to share work in progress. I don't know when that will be but I suspect it will happen. And if I fully finish something, yeah, I'll probably put it out into the world with a modicum of fanfare and promotion. So that's cool.
And... that's the lot? I'm sure that I'm forgetting things. My memory is akin to Swiss cheese these days, so there are probably any number of things which could be mentioned here, which I have not. If you're part of something left out or you feel hurt because I forgot something which was important to you, I'm sorry. Really. I said above that I'm a bad-to-worse communicator these days, and part of that is forgetting what's important to other people.
Now And Into the Future
When I started my first attempt at this, I had it in mind that I was going to do a three-part series about where I've been, where I am, and where I hope to go. For now, I think what I've written covers most of "been."
Right now, as I'm typing this, I feel pretty lousy. I slept badly last night. I'm communicating like shit with those who're most important to me. I have a lot to learn about who I am and who the best version of me can be. I feel wobbly, as a person, right now. What's go me moving forward, what got me through writing this whole thing, is two-fold:
1. I wanted to write it, so I did
2. This, too, shall pass
None of the emotional and personal hardships I've had have ever lasted forever. I have a hope that this one will not, either. I'll get better. I'll do better. I feel a little hopeless right at this exact moment, but I know that will pass.
For now, here's what I know about my plans for 2024:
I'm going to focus small. I want my immediate surroundings and relationships to improve. I want to be better for the people I love now and the people I will love in the future. My dreams have always been big and have always been massively self-centered. I want to change that.
I'm going to make some kind of setting or world that can hold my creative impulses. Whatever I want to do, music, TTRPG stuff, fiction, etc. I want to feed it into this one thing. That will make it a lot easier for me, I think.
I'm going to seek out more podcast opportunities. Did you know I'm now the Editor and Producer for The Cryptonaturalist? That rules! I love the show and I love Jarod's work. I get to help it grow and I would love to do that with one more show.
That first point seems like a good closer. I want things in my immediate surroundings to be better because I was there. That's a resolution I can get behind.
If you read this whole thing, thank you! I really appreciate it. If you only made it a little ways in, well, you're not reading this anyway, but I appreciate you all the same.
If any of what I've written here resonates with you, I hope it's something positive which you can use to make your world a better place for you and those you love.
See you next time,
Tracy
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