It's hard to trust a baby
I’ve learned a lot since becoming a parent. And I like learning, it’s my jam. But, kinda interestingly, most of what I’ve learned has been about myself.
For instance, it turns out I can be pretty prone to worrying. Which was a surprise! I lived a pretty chill life for 32 years. But I have so much less certainty and control now that there’s a baby in the mix. I had essentially zero experience with infants, and I have responded to all my uncertainty in the last year by trying to take on as much control as I can, and latch onto whatever routines emerge in our life. And… worrying about the things I can’t predict or manage myself.
A lot of what I learned about the first four months of a baby’s life made me think I couldn’t trust Toby to operate her little body. Which was fair, to an extent, I think? New parents get hit with a lot of safety and risk-avoidance messaging, and newborns really don’t do much for themselves. There’s pressure on the caregivers. We were lucky to have a solid team (thanks again, GG, PP, and NN!).
When I took over as solo full-time caregiver, I wouldn’t say we were in “survival mode,” but I was primarily focused on seeing us safely through the days, weeks, and months of Toby’s life. Always working towards the next checkpoint - naptime, mealtime, bedtime - without much time to rest after each one.
We got through the days in chunks, and I was at best one step ahead, ready for the next two to three hours. In my head, I helped get us from one checkpoint to the next by knowing what Toby’s capable of and making sure we stayed within those comfortable boundaries.
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Now, with a crawling baby, concepts like “control” and “boundaries” are brittle. Things shift, constantly. I have begun to understand the knowing tone of voice from elder parents, cautioning me not to be too excited for my baby to mobilize.
But even without full control, there are things I can do to minimize the surprises. And a lot of them amount to constraining Toby, limiting her options. If I carry her around the house, she doesn’t get into anything she shouldn’t. Her stroller and baby carrier keep her strapped tight when we’re out of the house. Any toy she hasn’t mastered can be put away, out of reach. We stick with what we know and each day goes smoothly.
But, of course, she needs room to grow. Every day, she’s looking for new opportunities. Chances to do her own thing and figure out all her new skills. And I need to learn to trust her, to let her surprise me.
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It’s hard to trust a baby. I am trying, though. I’m learning how to give her room, and she’s teaching me what she’s capable of on her own. She manages her push cart around the house. She decides what she eats and drinks, and how much.
Her least favorite times of the day are when we, her loving parents, need to temporarily restrict her mobility (diaper changes, getting dressed, wiping food off her face, brushing her teeth).
She’s curious, strong, and persistent - she doesn’t stop once she reaches the next level. (And that’s not poetic language. She manages to climb onto the couch and immediately wants to get onto the table behind it.) She wouldn’t have learned to climb if I lifted her up everywhere.
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This publication is nominally about the period of Toby’s life where she learns to crawl and then walk (and then run?!). We are firmly into “learning to walk” territory. And I am learning how to let her learn to walk. Wish us luck!
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