The Two Francisco Empirical
Newsbits for May 1, 2147
BoomBoom Corp. shares rose today as details of the new vPhone X-23 have been leaked on the VerpNet. Rumored to be the size of a sesame seed and needing to be surgically implanted just behind that flappy bit at the back of the throat, it would be the vPhone’s first update since last month’s X-22 model. The X-22 was the size of a raisin, and was required to be surgically implanted in the center of the forehead. It was rumored to be powered through a mystical connection to the user’s third eye, though BoomBoom declined to offer specifics, claiming patent protections and reminding questioners that snitches get stitches. Supply for the X-22 far outstretched demand, and fisticuffs at BoomBoom Stores nationwide were common.
Housing prices in the BoomBoom Area are on the rise. The median price of a single-family FabHab has reached a record high of 43 million credits, a nearly 5 percent increase over last year's high. Demand continues to far outstrip supply, although city leaders are hopeful that an approval of the long-discussed Mole Men Project would help to alleviate the crisis. The project, which proposes reclaiming the centuries-old abandoned BART tunnels running beneath the city and installing hundreds of single-room apartments with shared kitchen, bathroom, and air purification systems, has remained controversial since it was originally proposed back in 2131. Developers insist that approving Mole Men would provide much needed housing for the BoomBoom Area's growing population and coincidentally will earn shareholders billions upon billions of sweet, sweet credits. Grub Rights defenders argue against the forced eviction of the hundreds of Grubs who have lived in the tunnels since the Quake of '47, describing it as "genocide" and "a steaming pile of flapjacks." A spokes-AI for Mole Men Assimilated argues against this, saying, "The Grubs are more than welcome to return to the tunnels after the project's completion, provided they pass the application process and show proof of employment and credit worthiness."
The Mole Men Project aims to provide affordable housing to the BoomBoom Area, with tenants requiring an estimated average income of 37 credits an hour to afford occupancy. The minimum wage in the BoomBoom state has remained unchanged since 2110, when it was lowered from 17 credits an hour to the current rate of 15.
VerpSport season officially opens this Saturday at BoomBoom Park. Fans have been lining up outside the stadium since early Monday morning, braving the damp weather and occasional plasma bolts coming ahead of the season's latest multiphoon in the North Pacific Ocean. Authorities report the number of fisticuffs to be within acceptable levels, but expect this to change over the course of the week, as the lack of public restrooms and drinking water becomes more of an issue, and also the roaming packs of greater carnivorous fog shrews.
Doors open at 10am Satuday. Ticket holders in the first six rows are reminded that signed and notarized death and dismemberment waivers are required for entrance to the stadium. Raincoats and hip waders are suggested, though plastic garbage bags with head holes will also be available for a small fee.
The first Red Daisy sighting of the season took place last night on Alcatraz Island. Rodney Ridley, a thirty-year veteran of the Two Francisco Park Service, was piloting a patrol boat off the shore of the island when he reported seeing the fabric of spacetime folding in upon itself near the Power House, and hearing the familiar cries of the eternally devoured echoing out across the Bay.
"People say that it's good luck to see the Red Daisy at night," Ridley said. "Historically though, most people who see it at night start to suffer from severe insomnia and continual night terrors. They begin to see vulpine faces staring back at them from the shadows, and hear soft susurrations issued from a place just at the outside range of normal human perception. Usually people who see the Red Daisy at night die about a month later, isolated, withered, and insane." Ridley paused and looked back over his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I thought somebody said something back there. Anyway, it isn't really springtime in Two Francisco until the Red Daisy comes out of hibernation, so all you pilgrims, get your sacred robes out of storage and book your SubFabHab reservations today. Are you sure you don't hear that? Is it just me?"
Tickets for this year’s Red Daisy Lottery go on sale June 1st, so good luck, and expect fisticuffs at all ticket purchase locations.
Today marks the nineteenth day of quarantine for the Penumbra Doria, the Princelette Cruises ship that’s been anchored just outside the Golden Gate since April 14th. The ship has maintained radio silence since April 20th, and the only communication still remaining has taken the form of a lone man on the ship’s promenade deck, dressed in what appears to be a checkered tablecloth worn as a toga, who shouts out updates at 11am every morning. The updates are presented in the form of bullet points, which are identified as such by the man shouting out the words “bullet point” before delivering each update. Highlights from today’s updates include:
Bullet point: Supplies of coffee creamer running dangerously low. Fisticuffs in the dining room imminent. Factions beginning to form.
Bullet point: Sewage tanks nearly full. Expect discharge into local waters at 3pm today. Preemptive apologies offered.
Bullet point: Security team is out of bullets. Please send more bullets.
Two Francisco coastal authorities report that the daily supply drone delivery is scheduled to be dispatched at noon today, but would not confirm if ammunition is to be included with the usual shipment of toilet paper, frozen centiburger patties, and Diet Cloka-Cola fizzy tabs. "At the rate the passengers are going through centiburgers, you'd think that the cannibalism would have subsided," an anonymous source with the Two Francisco Coast Guard said. "I mean, you'd think, right?"
The current record for the quarantine of a commercial cruise ship outside the Golden Gate is two hundred and thirty-seven days, set in 2129 by the Woodsy Rhombus. 4,723 passengers split into six factions over the course of the quarantine, and the fisticuffs were absolutely spectacular. Survivors from the Woodsy Rhombus include award-winning cyborg thump musician Ludwig Poots, self-help author Eurydice Bassinger, and Bobo the capuchin monkey, who went on to be elected mayor of Two Francisco from 2134 to 2138.
The forecast calls for rain with a chance of light snow at the higher elevations. Whispering fog is possible in the morning hours, with normal fog less likely, but also quieter. Wobble wibbles continue to be unexpected, but still statistically possible, so Sutro Island travel risk is at color level Burnt Umber.