SBM Poetically Powered Newsletter, January 2023 Edition: Putting In The Work
SBM Poetically Powered Newsletter, January 2023 Edition: Putting In The Work
“How many poems did you end up writing for 30 for 30?” the poet next to me asks. I run through my memory bank if I met them and just forgot their name, which is quite usual because I need to hear a name repeated about 5-10 times before I memorize it with the person. I’m very good with faces but awful with names.
“Uh, maybe a 100? I didn’t do as well as I normally do.” I know a hundred poems are a lot for most poets. I’m sure I hit the 30 mark and maybe reached 60-100. I make it my mission to do as many poems as possible for 30 for 30. This time I didn’t use the prompts that Write About Now offered or barely did. I wrote my main poems in Undercurrents with Desiree, but even then, coming back to workshops with her, I could only write one poem. When usually, I’d write at least five, if not more.
I haven’t been able to write prolifically since April of 2022.
After April of 2022, I tapered off and couldn’t connect with my mental highway, which is what I call my imagination/prompt-less poems I make.
I was curious, so I asked the poet next to me if we had met. I won’t ever step away from admitting that I may not know something or re-hear a name to try to memorize it.
“I’m Kane. I saw your 30 for 30 in the posts.”
I remembered a member posting in response to my poems and realized this was the face behind the posts. I also provided feedback for Kane’s works which I love about the online community with Write About Now Poetry. It’s worldwide, and I’ve met friends worldwide through the online community that started because the world had to be online for years because of the pandemic.
I met some of my best friends through online communities that took writing outside of local open mic and opened it up to people around the world meeting each other in a virtual room. Fresh Linen, Call Me King, Kimberly Shaw The Closer, CassandraisFree, whom I met at the Women of the World Poetry Slam, is such a potent and influential poet, Shane Mainer, who I also became a Guerilla Poet with her nonprofit, not to mention my Undercurrent friends.
It was with one of my friends that I met online who has become an even closer friend with meeting and staying with her in person that I saw the Big Poetry Slam and Book Fair Amir Safi was hosting with Write About Now Poetry.
“Do you think I should do it?” I asked my friend.
“Yeah, definitely, you got nothing to lose.”
I silently laughed to myself, having nothing to lose. I had a lot to lose at slams. I was a full-time writer, freelancer, and facilitator, and winning a slam meant more money to come in with how I was fighting to make more all the time. I had my mental health to lose at slams. I would have PTSD attacks on stage because of memorization and how that put me inside the poem. I was back there where I was assaulted. I was physically hurt. I was trying to escape an impossible situation, and there was no way out.
I’ve been told my resiliency is one of my most vital character traits. I have said fuck resiliency in poems, and I’m not trying to be strong here. I’m not trying to be tough. I am tough. You can’t hurt me unless you’re close to me. But holy shit, can my mind hurt me and be my worst enemy, always, that I can’t turn off.
I went into the slam and told myself, “have fun, Sarah. Don’t do new poems because you can’t memorize and not drop them. Do your crowd favorite, and do your Greedy Little Bisexual OR On being told of my first queer cypher. Speak to your queerness. Start bringing your gay shit into the light of slams.”
I bought the ticket to be a slammer as I spent time with my friend. She was proud of me and all for it. She was also one of the first people I told that I sold over 10-16 books in person, did the best yet in a slam in person, and got to the second round out of 14 poets.
Going into the slam, I felt calm enough as an anxiety-ridden, autistic, PTSD-waiting, severe depression living mess. A friend of mine brought a friend with her, Shay, an incredible poet in her own right, to support me. I truly felt loved having a friend in my corner and performed the best yet. I looked at the crowd instead of trying to tune them out. I inserted more pauses. I stayed in control of my poems. I got someone asking me, “does this book have the tree poem in it?” which made me laugh because all of my slam pieces are newer. But, “Is God Like Santa Claus” in my first book, I’d say, is the grandfather poem of my “tree poem.”
I finally have a few days off after so long working without any time off. What am I doing? Writing this newsletter which will sit for a few weeks before it goes out. I didn’t want to do the slam. I felt like I’d fuck up and disappoint everyone but especially myself. Safi told me later that “I was putting in the work” when I admitted to him it was my first time in the second round. The truth is, I am, but I don’t feel like I am. I’m not making poems like I used to, I want to hold virtual workshops, but the timing isn’t right. I’m memorizing poems for a slam on my car rides to and from jobs.
At the same time of being a slam poet at Rudyard’s in Houston and the book fair my story “Merry fucking Christmas” was being performed at Continental Club in Houston, and I got paid for this story with Grown Up Storytime. Which is a true story telling event that I have adored for years that happens in Houston and I am so honored to be a part of them for their snowy theme they had this time.
A fellow poet told me I’m also putting in all the work and inspiring them. That meant a lot because I felt like I was slacking. Amazingly, I was so prolific, and now with it being intermittent, it feels like I’m not doing the work hard enough. Maybe you’ll be gentle with yourself this New Year. Perhaps you’ll believe them when they say you’re an inspiration even though you’re too close to see it.
What’s going on with me that you can get into
I will have stickers coming that I drew the art behind them where the words are in my handwriting: “Weird Is Wonderful” with a Nautilus. I started drawing unknown/little-known species earlier last year and paired words with them, and those two are two of the favorites that I’ll have on my site for you to buy, or I can send them to you if you’re a Patreon supporter (to be a supporter it's this link here: https://www.patreon.com/sarahmentalpoet) with a card thanking for you your support. It’ll be a nice little gift for Christmas coming up as a thank you to my supporters there, so message me your address, and I can send it to you.
Since the New Year Is Here and I’m an indie/local creator, my merch is here: https://sarahbellummental.com/merch/ and includes “Consent Is Sexy / Turn Life Into Poetry / Poet Doing Poet Things, etc.” shirts and things for you to get if you want a poetry themed gift for yourself or those you love. My books are all from indie publishers in New Mexico that published my two books, and their link is: https://sarahbellummental.com/pre-order-swallow-my-sparrow/
I did the thing! I did the thing of making a workshop which can be worked around your schedule and you can do at your own pace. This is my newest: https://sarahbellummental.com/the-brightness-besides-us-poetry-workshop Brightness Beside Us workshop that includes a Google classroom where you can use that as an interactive hub and posting your poems for feedback, a pre-recording of my voice guiding you through the materials, and over ten prompts and some questions to get the poetic jar flowing inside you. I’m proud of all this workshop offers and it works with your schedule however that may be. My schedule has been so impossible I can’t hold virtual, in-person workshops as easily since it’s wonky as all shit, but this one you get and can have forever and a day. I’m really happy with this workshop because it looks into the bright beside us that we just gotta turn our heads to see.
And finally I will be facilitating a Guerilla Poets workshop with their Writing For Wellness, Thurs, January 5th at 7pm EST / 6pm CST time and it’s virtual and free. The workshop is called “The Wildflowers We Are To Family.” Here’s the signup for that: https://fb.me/e/4NRBrcl1R
Listening to: A very, very fitting song, Does your brain ever get this loud? St. South
Reading: Big Feelings by Gigi Bella and Priestess of Tankinis I just finished as well. I love them both and they are two books published by Game Over Books.
I am getting ready for: a visit with a dear friend in January, putting the work in with poetry and writing. I want to write more short stories and maybe see them published like my essays from last year. I’m also doing the Big Poetry Slam And Book Fair again with Write About Now Poetry January 17th at 7:30pm. The link for that is this: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-big-poetry-slam-and-book-fair-hosted-by-freek-tickets-501327071767?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=escb
I’m signing off and if you read this, thank you. I feel especially. Lately, I’ve been writing, but does it matter? And your reading makes me realize maybe it does, and I know yours does.