SBM Poetically Powered Newsletter, January 2023 Edition: When You’re Okay And You’re Not
SBM Poetically Powered Newsletter, January 2023 Edition: When You’re Okay And You’re Not
I did an inventory check the following week. It wasn't the best, but I wasn't aware of this until I talked to a friend and started listing the instances that got under my skin. I appeared okay, but underneath the surface, I wasn't. It wasn't the craziest work week, but there was an instance that was a bit of shit, and then I recovered to make the day good/decent. But it was one of those. Everything is getting fucked up, so adapt.
When I'm not okay, I don't talk.
When I'm not okay, I isolate myself.
When I'm not okay, I don't reach out.
The "check on your strong friends" would make me guffaw because you can't check on those pretending to be strong. We'll say we're great when we're not. We can't stop gripping the reins of life white-knuckled because if we don't hold on, it's gonna bury us.
Or drown us. You know, whatever metaphor you want to play with.
In writing, world-wise, it's been really good. I've written over 30 poems in 8 days, I have a meeting with a writing coach who is a friend soon, and I'm enrolled in her writing coach membership she's doing I'm going back to thinking about collecting poems for a book (and hoping she'll help me with that) I got another slam lined up, The Big Poetry Slam And Book Fair Round #2.
I finally got my stickers for my Patrons (look at the weirdo sticker above and heading this newsletter!) and another address to send a card to one of my supporters, who is also a dear friend. She told me she reads every newsletter I write, so I'll wave hello back to Robyn Joy, an incredible poet, person, and friend. I miss her with my morning workshops we'd share, but my schedule lately it's a struggle to make that nighttime one, and afternoon is near impossible unless work-wise it works.
I keep wanting to take a long break from social media, to be honest. I never imagined I'd have it, but it's my primary way of communicating about my books, slams, and poetry. It's a necessary evil, but I use it when I don't want to watch a scene on TV or a movie. I use it as a distraction tool. I also like to see how my friends are doing there.
I have a website (www.sarahbellummental.com), but I need social media to drive traffic to the website. With anything I've used over time (I started blogs when I was 13, I was an advanced kid, and I taught myself HTML with funkychickens.com), I promise not to post much, if anything, about my personal life.
You get my poetry which is vulnerable enough, and what I do day-to-day, my jobs (I got a lot), and even if/when/where I travel to isn't shared. I like my privacy which always seems ironic to have a social media account if you want privacy, but I always have.
What I have done with the account, you probably know, @sarahmentalpoet on IG, I share if it's been a bad day, week, or what have you. I didn't want it to seem like my life was pristinely perfect. I'm a mental health advocate and writer. Being okay to share my journey with my illness has been that I am not alone. We all share experiences, and though you aren't in my shoes, depression as a kid does happen and is my experience. I didn't know that's what it was, so I hid it and never knew the fire ant feeling in my gut and skin was anxiety.
The week is going to start anew. I'm writing this on Sunday, and I'll send it next month or in a few weeks. I've already planned things for me to look forward to. I can work on fumes and still seem incredibly upbeat, easy-going, and happy-go-lucky. When I'm cracking that strength cup I'm wearing, people get shocked that I get angry, have breakdowns (neurodivergent or otherwise), and that I can not be okay.
It was a tough week, but I can see that and then make the necessary adjustments or things I can do for myself to improve it. Mine probably is taking a real break from things. If I'm slow at one of my jobs, I do writing/author/studying poetry work. I've made plans for a nice dinner, some things I enjoy, and I finally get a long time off, so I'm telling myself to enjoy it and get back to myself.
I love to remind myself that we don't have to be strong all the damn time. We can choose to fall apart, and we can choose to sit in the not-great feelings. We can recognize as human beings we're not fucking meant to be okay all the damn time. I used not to allow this. I had to be OK, funny, and on point, because I was generally the walking sunshine beam for my work and co-workers. Now, I just let them know it's a rougher day if I can trust them with that, they empathize, and I allow myself that crash time once I get alone or with friends that can handle me not being okay.
What’s going on with me that you can get into
I will have stickers coming that I drew the art behind them where the words are in my handwriting: “Weird Is Wonderful” with a Nautilus. I started drawing unknown/little-known species earlier last year and paired words with them, and those two are two of the favorites that I’ll have on my site for you to buy, or I can send them to you if you’re a Patreon supporter (to be a supporter it's this link here: https://www.patreon.com/sarahmentalpoet) with a card thanking for you your support. They finally shipped! Hopefully the stickers will be here in a few days which will be fucking lovely because I can have them with me for my slam this coming week!
Since the New Year Is Here and I’m an indie/local creator, my merch is here: https://sarahbellummental.com/merch/ and includes “Consent Is Sexy / Turn Life Into Poetry / Poet Doing Poet Things, etc.” shirts and things for you to get if you want a poetry themed gift for yourself or those you love. My books are all from indie publishers in New Mexico that published my two books, and their link is: https://sarahbellummental.com/pre-order-swallow-my-sparrow/
I did the thing! I did the thing of making a workshop which can be worked around your schedule and you can do at your own pace. This is my newest: https://sarahbellummental.com/the-brightness-besides-us-poetry-workshop Brightness Beside Us workshop that includes a Google classroom where you can use that as an interactive hub and posting your poems for feedback, a pre-recording of my voice guiding you through the materials, and over ten prompts and some questions to get the poetic jar flowing inside you. I’m proud of all this workshop offers and it works with your schedule however that may be.
Update on my Wildflowers Workshop with Guerilla Poets: It was incredible! 17 poets/participants in class, one of my largest virtual classes yet. I think my largest one was my Rage workshop and that may have had 20-25 which blew my mind to start workshops with that amount. Nearly everyone shared a poem made in the workshop! Huge, proud, facilitator yay from me and happy dance. This has to be a top workshop of mine but honestly all of them turn out favorites. I loved the exploration of the multitudes of ourselves we choose to share and what makes a space safe enough to be our whole selves. And can we ever be our whole selves?
Listening to: Spectra, Pink Clouds
Reading: Weird by Julia Gaskill is so so fucking good! It’s literally my queer childhood in a book. Especially the horse club and girl groups. We also had the “Cricketeers” as a child that I formulated with 2 of my friends. I was a major nerd and geek, obviously, and proud of it.
I am getting ready for: a visit with a dear friend in January, my friend Carson! I’m so fucking stoked to meet this amazing person who inspires me all the damn time. They have such heart palpitating poetry they share with Undercurrents. I’m also putting the work in with poetry and writing. I want to write more short stories and maybe see them published like my essays from last year. I’m also doing the Big Poetry Slam And Book Fair again with Write About Now Poetry January 17th at 7:30pm. That day has finally come and the slam is today! The link for that is this: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-big-poetry-slam-and-book-fair-hosted-by-freek-tickets-501327071767?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=escb
I may have one of my teachers outside writing be in the audience so big squeal from me. That would be amazing, and debating the format for the slam of how I should strategize. I may do what I did last time (it worked so fucking good) but change one of the poems. I want to memorize some incredible slam pieces I’ve been making in this prolific phase but I can’t risk dropping them. So, memorized for months is where I’m going.
I’m signing off and if you read this, thank you. I feel especially. Lately, I’ve been writing, but does it matter? And your reading makes me realize maybe it does, and I know yours does.