SBM Poetically Powered Newsletter, December Edition: People probably don’t want to hurt you
SBM Poetically Powered Newsletter, December Edition: People probably don’t want to hurt you
I’ve been thinking about the correlation between being alone versus the feeling of loneliness. You can be in a group of people, surrounded by a crowd, and feel the most intense bout of loneliness. You can be alone and not feel lonely but instead content. I was never someone to enjoy the company of others. This sounds intense for a kid to “not enjoy being around other kids,” but I spent a lot of time in my head. And that time in my head was making worlds, crashing them to dust, making new ones, and being so full in my inner world, and I didn’t live in the outer world, reality, that much.
Head in the clouds, easy to drift off by being awake. I guess that’s what makes a writer or a poet, how our powerful creativity makes so many worlds and words that we’re never bored.
September through December are anniversaries of deaths I’ve gone through, whether relationships, people, friendships, or what have you. It seems like it brings the holiday season up, and people want to shed things every time. The holidays are heavy with grief sometimes, but I’ve learned how to make them my own through the years. Someone recently told me that they were quickly taken advantage of with the system of buying, say, a drink for a coworker and that coworker not paying them back. I was never an “I gave you this for you to come back and give me something back.” I’m not a you owe me personally type of person. When I get things for people, it’s because I want to. I didn’t have a vendetta of you getting me something. It’s generally because giving can be a love language for me. And making sure friends are fed or caffeinated is another love language.
I enjoy taking care of the people I love. I want to check in on them when I’m okay to check-in. If I’m not okay, I’m just trying to get through my days. I’m just trying to get up, do what I need to, eat, sleep, and repeat.
I told the person who felt “taken advantage of / expected the worse in people” that most people don’t want to hurt you, or in my opinion, they don’t. We’re all in our little worlds and universes and so focused on ourselves that I don’t think most want to destroy yours. Some may dislike you, but generally, that dislike is from some part of you mirroring a part in them that they’re not okay with.
Your not liking me is not my issue. I am not meant to be liked by everyone. With that said, my poetry is the same. I am not interested in my poetry being loved by everyone. Especially since it’s incredibly vulnerable about my personal life, you can choose not to like it or love it. What you choose is on you. It is not my job to influence someone to like or enjoy me. That’s all yours.
As writers, we’re in this constant tug and pull to have our work just loved by a lot if we can. We, as humans, want to be liked and loved by people who have just met us. We can take on “what don’t they like me?” and try our hardest to persuade them otherwise. We can think it’s a fault in ourselves and that we’re too “broken” to be loved. I don’t think I’ve questioned that I love myself. I always was independent and fiercely myself as a kiddo. I just assumed people didn’t like me, and I didn’t want to try to get them to like me because it didn’t matter. So, I chose to be quiet and not speak to protect myself because bullying started for me in preschool.
It’s amazing to think of the contrast between that kiddo versus the adult I’ve become who loves public speaking. I was never “shy,” but I was always an internally charged battery of a being.
I think winter asks us to hibernate more, to get more internal, to analyze our year and see how it changed versus the one before. The lack of light triggers seasonal depression on top of generalized depression. Everything seems to slow with a purpose. The body knows a lot that we don’t know sometimes.
With the hibernation I did do some things before it happened, and one was serendipity of it happening. I got a short story accepted to be performed on a stage by a performer for a local story telling event in Houston today and on the same day, today, I’ll be slamming in another part of Houston. I’ve had this sort of writing double feature before so that is very exciting. The story featured is a Christmas story called “Merry fucking Christmas” and will be featured at Continental Club in Houston with GrownUp Storytime. I’ve loved the institution of GrownUp Storytime for about 6-7 years since I found them and have had several stories featured with them so it’s a delight and an honor to be a part of them.
What’s going on with me that you can get into
(Thought I got these ordered but may need to re-send an order since I haven’t seen these in the mail, so may have a slight delay of having them next year). I will have stickers coming that I drew the art behind them where the words are in my handwriting: “Weird Is Wonderful” with a Nautilus and “We are more than what we fear” with a vampire squid. I started drawing unknown/little-known species earlier this year and paired words with them, and those two are two of the favorites that I’ll have on my site for you to buy, or I can send them to you if you’re a Patreon supporter (to be a supporter it's this link here: https://www.patreon.com/sarahmentalpoet) with a card thanking for you your support. It’ll be a nice little gift for Christmas coming up as a thank you to my supporters there, so message me your address, and I can send it to you.
For what’s coming up for me, I’ll send you to: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-big-poetry-slam-and-bookfair-tickets-466612750297?aff=SarahMentalBF for buying tickets for the Big Poetry Slam and Book Fair with Write About Now Poetry, December 20th, at 7:30 at Rudyard’s. I don’t know how good I’ll be at slamming, but I want to premier at least one or two new poems on my heart.
Since the holidays are coming up and now I’m an indie/local creator, my merch is here: https://sarahbellummental.com/merch/ and includes “Consent Is Sexy / Turn Life Into Poetry / Poet Doing Poet Things, etc.” shirts and things for you to get if you want a poetry themed gift for yourself or those you love. My books are all from indie publishers in New Mexico that published my two books, and their link is: https://sarahbellummental.com/pre-order-swallow-my-sparrow/
Finally, I did the thing! I did the thing of making a workshop which can be worked around your schedule and you can do at your own pace. This is my newest: https://sarahbellummental.com/the-brightness-besides-us-poetry-workshop Brightness Beside Us workshop that includes a Google classroom where you can use that as an interactive hub and posting your poems for feedback, a pre-recording of my voice guiding you through the materials, and over ten prompts and some questions to get the poetic jar flowing inside you. I’m proud of all this workshop offers and it works with your schedule however that may be. My schedule has been so impossible I can’t hold virtual, in-person workshops as easily since it’s wonky as all shit, but this one you get and can have forever and a day. I’m really happy with this workshop because it looks into the bright beside us that we just gotta turn our heads to see.
Listening to: Sugar, City of the sun
Reading: Last read Tristan’s Not All Challenges Are For Us in a rainy day where I had a rare chance to get to pick up a book. Highly recommend, so much so I contacted Tristan to buy another book and send it to my friend for Christmas. If you can, and want to send poetry to your friends/family, contact the indie authors you might know. It means a lot to us and helps us stay afloat financially to do this writing thing we do/ live life a little easier.
I am getting ready for: the poetry slam. I may choose to read off my phone because my memorization hasn’t been working. I also don’t have the time to study for the slam, so I think I may use it to try out my newer slam poems and maybe start out with a tried and true memorized piece. I have about 4 memorized pieces I’ve been practicing in car rides so I think I’m good to go, I’m just planning to have fun with it and hopefully sell some books in the process.
I’m signing off and if you read this, thank you. I feel especially. Lately, I’ve been writing, but does it matter? And your reading makes me realize maybe it does, and I know yours does.