Poetically Powered Newsletter, My Awake Mind Won’t Let Go Of The Day
My Awake Mind Won’t Let Go Of The Day
Welcome to Poetically Powered Newsletter! I am so grateful for you to want my words in your mailbox.
I just bought myself three cans of coffee because as you know it’s a simple and guilty pleasure I have to drink coffee. One night last week I ended up having a hard time sleeping. I scanned my brain for what it could be and I had two cups of coffee that day. I’m so sensitive to caffeine that the caffeine in chocolate will keep me up if I have chocolate late at night. It becomes a game of what is worth the cost of amping up my anxiety? What is worthy of my mind being not as easy to turn off?
When I was younger I spent hours thinking. I replayed the day in my head on repeat. In these subconscious scenarios I’d say everything I never said in the day because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I had a lot of bullies growing up so in these playbacks of the day I did and said what I wanted to in the moment. I took back my power from them. And I remember replaying these scenarios how I’d do it if my freeze function didn’t get activated and I’d chastise myself for letting them getting one over on me. Or, how they said something hurtful and I wanted to retaliate but there was always this part of me that said “don’t.” Don’t hurt them. Especially don’t hurt them with words because they’re more painful than your fists.
When I found my person I never knew you could have a good night’s sleep next to someone. It seemed impossible. My hyper vigilance makes it hard enough to sleep by myself and I notice every tick, every sound, every light passing by in the room. I was asked recently if I was asleep and I admitted I can’t sleep in public places. I can’t fall asleep in a car, or a plane, or anywhere that isn’t home. I can’t even drift. My body knows it isn’t ours and so it stays awake in case if something happens. I never knew there was a name for this, but it’s hyper vigilance and what my body adapted to to protect myself from invisible adversaries.
So, coffee is this game I play of possibly making it hard for me to rest and sleep. I’ve always had sleep problems, ever since I was a kid. I had a hard time falling asleep though luckily when I am asleep I don’t wake up from it. I will notice the environment changing, lights leaking through the darkness, noises that may be happening, but generally I can still navigate back to my deep sleep.
How I ended up becoming a writer at a young age was that I lost myself in stories. Fictional stories, characters, scenarios outside the world of what should I have said? I think also replaying the day was a form of creativity and writing at a young age. How I’d make the world fall away to the one I formed myself. The rules were mine here. The rules were that I couldn’t get hurt here, though nightmares were definitely a real thing.
I keep thinking I need to bring back my Poetic Catalysts, I miss my little group, I miss my writers who show up and are there to learn and expand and lift each other up like the badasses they are. But, honestly, I don’t have time for it lately. Besides writing I have another part of my life I’ve been going at hard and loving it. I have a book I submitted to Game Over Books that I may revisit, add more poems too, possibly release this year or next. I have to find the name for my next book. I need to decide what it will be.
Some ideas for projects I want to pursue:
Poetic Catalysts again
My monthly speciality workshop I was doing for a bit
Walk and Talk Poetry— hiking and poetry in Houston
Get into more of my projects outside of writing
Attend more open mics in person
Submit more poems to journals
Travel once or twice more this year
Some information on things:
I am published in Spark City Press, Poetry Cove, Freeverse Revolution VI, and I know a few others as well. I will be published in Blue Iris for their “Home” theme they had. This was about friendships outside relationships that make you feel at home. They chose a poem of mine that is about my best friend so I couldn’t be more jazzed about it! I will also be published in the Hope Anthology with Wee Sparrow Press.
I am also published with “Live Out Loud” a LGBQTIA+ anthology with Read Or Green books that the books should be out this month.
I will be competing in the Worldwide Slam League with Write About Now Poetry for their finals next month, virtually. Watch to see when on my page and definitely come support the poets competing.
With my Merch on my site, which have lines from my poetry and different ways of being walking poetry with shirts and such.
I have a Patreon! It starts at $1 and has homemade, handmade, cards and goodies, full length poems, prompts, and the highest tier gets you into Poetic Catalysts once a month! I have a special the next few months the higher tiers of $3, $5, $7, gets you a personal card sent to your mailbox as a thank you. I’ll be having some of the prompts for my class on my Patreon as well as an option you can tap into: https://www.patreon.com/sarahmentalpoet
*What I’m Reading: Girlhood.
What I’m listening to: The world outside is deathly still
What I’m getting ready for: Slamming in the Worldwide Slam League
*What I’m writing: Editing poems from workshops and also a prompt from reading a Newsletter
*What’s haunting me: What is more valuable than time?
To all those who hear me, thank you. To all those struggling with kindness or self-compassion for yourself, I see you, I am you, but I know you’re magnificent. Be kind always to your mind.