Poetically Powered Newsletter, February, Why Does It Hurt Like This?
Welcome to Poetically Powered Newsletter! I am so grateful for you to want my words in your mailbox. TW: sexual assault and correlations
The night is closing in on me. I made a promise to make the “Love Hurts” story slam in Houston. I got tickets. I got two stories lined up. I didn’t rehearse as much as I usually do but I think sometimes it’s even better if I just ad-lib through it. Like another poet told me, you know your story. And these two stories were huge in love hurting in my life.
And now, I’m watching the clock count down. And I have my ticket, but my body and my mind are not in a space. We are just not there right now. I’m sinking a little. After what seemed like a running start to February today just beat me sideways. And, it’s to be expected.
I had an appointment that took a lot out of me. I was so proud I did the best ever for this thing. I have had panic attacks for it since it began. I didn’t correlate sexual assault and this being hand in hand a hard thing for my body to breathe and be okay with.
I talked about things that make me uncomfortable. I do some self-soothing with touching myself, hand to arm, a common nervous twitch in my family. I picked a cuticle so badly it bled. I came home and my left pinkie went numb. And I freaked out in my head but just kept rubbing it and being like “why did you go numb in all this? What’s up little digit?”
It came back but I was afraid enough to just go back and be like “hey, any reason why a pinkie would go numb without restriction to the area?”
This is what self-compassion is, that I know I want to push myself but every iota of my being says no. I move and she creaks and feels like a rusted tin body. I watch the night creep in and realize I shouldn’t do tonight with the story slam, that I don’t the capacity to human right now. That’s okay, we did great on so many things. I should feel accomplished and just fuck yes.
But, I want to do this story slam. Yet, my body, my mind, my cells say different. They say this kind of exhaustion has not come for me in a minute. It says wow, moving is hard right now. It says I can’t even think. It says I can’t handle messing up my own story I’ve lived. It says please just love me, and keep me warm, and tell me it’s okay even if I can’t fight struggle away from my bones.
Poetry sometimes feels like the kindness we never had. Poetry sometimes feels like the body that says no and you say, okay. I got you.
It's the next day after the aftermath. We're okay, the body is a little better, but I still feel the pull of exhaustion like a blanket pulled and tucked into the corners of my skin. I got information about Trigger Warning and my poem Honey Poet being asked to be a part of an audio book. I got a potential partnership, possibly, with a freelance gig but I'm waiting to hear back. I'm saying yes to everything I love and want.
This day is too beautiful not to be awake.
Some information on my workshops and projects:
I published two stories on Vocal! One is getting into my Pronouns: https://vocal.media/confessions/how-i-m-trying-to-explain-being-non-binary
and the other is fresh and new with Self-Compassion As A Superpower: https://vocal.media/confessions/my-secret-superpower-self-compassion
Talking about the Mental Highway, I do have a workshop with WAN Academy on June 6th doing just that. Writers, non-writers, poets, people who don’t call themselves poets but are pretty adept at words are all invited. To buy tickets for that is this link: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/wan-academy-tapping-into-your-poetic-mental-highway-w-sarah-bellum-mental-tickets-254927183067?aff=sbm
If you share that link with others, I get a commission for tickets sold, and this does help me out. Also, if you’re a WAN Poetry member, sit easy and know that it’s free.
I am working on two workshops with them on Friday and Saturday for a safe space for survivors workshops. These workshops are called “Surviving Speaks Poetry Part I and Part II.” You can be a non-writer and just come to be in a group. You can write if you want, or write later if it comes to you.
A great question my friend Kimberly Shaw asked was that if you don’t participate in Part I can you be a part of Part II? Absolutely. What ties them together is the topic but you can be a part of one without the other and still get the full benefit of the class.
Besides that, you can watch me with the Worldwide Poetry League with WAN Poetry on February 28th at 8 pm CST, and that is virtual.
Catalysts is back! We are doing Tuesdays instead of Thursdays at 6pm CST. Sign up is: https://sarahbellummental.com/poeticworkshops/
And a workshop I’m excited about to offer is an Erotica Workshop, Touch The Poetic Pulse, Friday, February 11th, at 6:30pm CST. Sign up is: https://sarahbellummental.com/touch-poetic-pulse-workshop/
The March shop is live! Ah! https://sarahbellummental.com/merch/ I’m so jazzed and also nervous? Here’s the link. I love the poems turned into shirts. We’ll be having more. I offer too—just the beginning. Also, my logo image that Shane Mainer made for me is one of the creators of Guerilla Poets.
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*What I’m Reading: Reading Trigger Warning that I’m published in with Bloodmoon Poetry.
*What I’m listening to First Cut, Mexico City Blondes, Amazon Music
*What I’m getting ready for Re-memorizing stuff for WOWPS 2022 and the Moth’s Story Slam https://themoth.org/
*What I’m writing: A 30 second love piece for a challenge with WAN and HiHo
*What’s haunting me: Saying no to something I want to do and fighting myself to stay put and just be kind.
To all those who hear me, thank you. To all those struggling with kindness or self-compassion for yourself, I see you, I am you, but I know you’re magnificent. Be kind always to your mind.