Poetically Charged March Newsletter, What To Do When You Haven’t Written For Weeks
Poetically Charged Newsletter, What To Do When You Haven’t Written For Weeks
Confession: I haven’t been writing for almost an entire month.
Probably I jinxed myself with revealing my secret to prolific writing with the last newsletter. Probably it was the injuries, health shit, and general just can’t catch a break with anything going on. Probably it’s the sheer exhaustion of just being here, of my mind not feeling safe, of not knowing what to say anymore. When things get a certain way I lose the words. I can’t speak. I don’t like people asking me how I am. I don’t like talking about myself. I don’t like trying to word what’s going on because I literally don’t know what’s going on. I use words and I’m a writer but I am verbally stunted in telling people how I am. Or how they can help.
I told someone recently that they were talking about it being a season. And I said that just six months felt like a decade. It’s felt like some insurmountable amount of time that I don’t know how this clock keeps going or why it honestly keeps going.
I told them I’m just so tired.
I didn’t tell them I’m trying to keep going but it’s all just auto-pilot.
I didn’t tell them I don’t feel like my mind matters with what it wants to say right now. I don’t think my mind has the energy to speak like it does with poetry or writing. It’s just a blank slate. It’s just here.
I don’t want to be honest because people want to “fix me / find a solution.” There isn’t any, I am not something to be fixed, I am not broken.
I’ve been through some shit, some incredible shit, but I am not something to be fixed. To find pieces and piece me back together like a broken, porcelain doll.
I keep saying I want to teach writing, poetry, to hold classes again with virtual classes but to be honest I just don’t have the energy to hold spaces. Or to be in spaces. Or to do much besides hope another medical / health shit won’t come and just rain hell upon me for a few more weeks/months/etc amount of time.
April is coming right up with National Poetry Writing Month and every year it happens I write over hundreds of poems (I have not missed doing this once, literally, 30 for 30 is always surpassed) but I also give myself permission not to exist where people can see me.
Spring is my birthday time. My birthday has become one of my most precious holidays. With it I do something I always want to, I explore, I give myself permission to give myself what I want.
Lots of times what I would want is to take off social media especially for two weeks around my birthday. I don’t want you knowing what I do for it. I don’t want you to know the date. I don’t want you to know anything about it to be honest. It’s sacred, it’s mine, and I protect it and generally don’t tell others what I do for it because then I get stupid questions that I get tired of answering.
Why are you doing that? Why would you? Who are you doing this with? By yourself, really? How could you do that? Isn’t that lonely? Why would you do that by yourself? Who planned it?
With so much work that I’m doing, constantly, and the fact I literally don’t have days off unless it just happens and even then my body/mind has a hard time doing anything besides waiting mode like it’s still happening I don’t have time to post at the correct time on IG and the algorithm has not been my best friend so nothing is getting seen. Which is discouraging but it just makes me want to be quiet and not be doing anything.
Things will be rather slow as I try to just get back to myself and honestly not have more shit storm hit me. I will update as I can with my Patreon and offer as much as I can. I wasn’t able to literally write by hand for almost a month so I’m hoping to send letters soon and physical things.
What's going on with me that you can get into
I will have stickers coming that I drew the art behind them where the words are in my handwriting: "Weird Is Wonderful" with a Nautilus. I also have "Poetry is my love language/We are more than what we fear" in supermini, thumbnail-sized stickers. I didn't know they were such tiny babies, but I'm hoping to send them a February card for Patreon supporters (to be a supporter, here's this link: https://www.patreon.com/sarahmentalpoet).
I did the thing! I did the thing by doing a workshop that can be worked around your schedule, and you can do it at your own pace. This is my newest: https://sarahbellummental.com/the-brightness-besides-us-poetry-workshop
Listening to: Bibles, Ba Ba Ju, from the Spotify Golden Hour songs
Reading: Dead Bright Things, Ada Limon
I am getting ready for: nothing currently, possibly 30 for 30, I’ve already made a ton of poems for 2023 and we’re 3 months in.
I’m planning to try to be a part of more in-person poetry/writing things. I think I need community even if I just don’t know how to even be there for myself. I worry my “energy” won’t be enough, won’t be uplifting, and won’t be as high as it can be for supporting others. I think I need to give myself that permission that is okay. I can only give what I can give right now. I can only be what I can be in this moment.