What we feel when
I'm off to Sydney tomorrow and Hawaii the day after. It's my first non-art-making holiday (and first international trip) since early 2019. For 2019, 2020, 2021 and 2022 so far, apart from weekends away, any time I've had a break from work I've been going somewhere specific to make photos, conduct research or whatever else is needed to get things done.
I had a taste of what Hawaii will be like over the weekend. I was in Queensland being a supportive boyfriend as my girlfriend's company had an annual retreat to a resort on the Sunshine Coast. Up until this point in my life I would have found the idea of lazing around warm weather in a resort almost offensively unpleasant but, after a few years of not much travel, man it was great to plonk by the pool, or the beach, soak up some warmth and read my book. I napped a lot, ate a bit and generally took things pretty slow.
Hawaii I expect will be a bit more active, but not much. I really feel like I could spend just a week ambling around swimming, lying down and looking at the sunset. Throw in some mangoes, maybe a smoothie or two, some fresh fish - that's just about perfect for my current mood.
It's nice tracking how we change sometimes. When I was younger I was never a super speedy one-day-per-city traveler, but certainly I wanted to be somewhere less removed from the world than a resort, hotel or tourist beach. In general that's still my preference but, actually, this time, I sort of completely don't care: I'm just looking forward to being relaxed and wearing shorts.
People at my work keep asking me if I'm excited, though, and the answer is 'no', or rather 'I feel lots of things, but not excitement'. I guess they are trying to find a way into to talking about the holiday, but I never feel excited until the plane is landing. All the prep work for a trip: booking things, packing, sorting passports, finding old power adapters, etc - gosh it's just so fucking dull. But that's front of mind, so I don't get excited. I expect to have a good time, I'm looking forward to visiting somewhere new. I'm really looking forward to seeing like 11 sunsets in a row. I am not, though, giddy and bubbling with excitement. I'm a bit tired for that!
Something I think a bit more about than maybe I should is what do I feel. I think a lot of us mirror what people expect us to feel - folks expect me to be excited, so it's easy to say 'yeah I'm super excited', but it's more honest, and maybe more thought-provoking, to say 'no, not yet - but when that first view of the island comes in - THAT'S the moment I'll get REALLY worked up'. If Quan has the window seat she'll be having to push my away from sticking my nose flat against the window, craning my neck and probably pulling a muscle.
I don't plan too much so it's really that raw and open first experience where all the good emotions hit.
I've recently started a new job, and it's sort of the same. All my co-workers assume I'm feeling overwhelmed or flooded, but I'm not. Most conversations start with 'Matt now I'm sure you're just sick of information' and I wonder 'what are these guys seeing that's telling them this?', but they aren't observing, they're assuming. Actually, I feel like saying, I'm really ready to DO something, let's fucking get on with it! I'm keen!
But, perhaps it would be easier to mirror what they expect.
Still, the easiest thing is so boring, it's much more enjoyable and interesting to do something a bit less expected and a bit less simple.
I'll see you all in September :)
Matt