Two weeks, Ten things
Recently, I spent two weeks in hospital. It was not planned or expected at all. One day I developed a screaming headache that wouldn't go away, no drugs or rest would change it. I could barely open my eyes.
When I got to hospital I quickly became something of a mystery. The doctors tested me for about a hundred things but nothing came back positive and while my pain receded, I had a persistent fever and some nasty stuff in my blood.
Finally, after two weeks while I didn't have a diagnosis the doctors deemed me well enough to go home. Today I have my - hopefully - final test.
But after so much time in the hospital I began sort of collating some thoughts about the whole thing. I want to share some here.
Hospital is most like an airplane. There are delays, you sit in the same place, everyone around you slowly drives you nuts, the food sucks and it feels like it'll never end. You know that you'll eventually leave, but sometimes you're just crawling up the walls. The phrase I'd use the most was 'I've got nothing left to give', a few times during my stay I just felt like I couldn't keep going and couldn't keep it up. Like the airplane I just want to break free, but it's not that simple.
Medicine is a miracle, but it's pretty uncomfortable. Testing is pretty amazing, but blood tests, MRI, canulas, the whole nine yards, man it's painful and unpleasant.
Hospitals are necessary, but no one wants to be there. This should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't. Hospitals are built to heal people, but they are uncomfortable, stressful, bureaucratic, opaque and slow. I had two breakdowns in hospital where I was just crying for an hour. It was so stressful and difficult. The doctors and nurses who worked with me completely understood that it sucks, which was also refreshing, but still, it sucked.
People offered to lend me books, movies, etc (kindly, thank you!), but mostly I just needed more sleep. When I'm sick I'm not really well enough for entertainment, just sleep.
I learned a lot about other people. This stay in hospital was the closest I got to folks living with dementia, addiction, etc. Of course I always knew those things were really hard and difficult, but sharing a ward with people who are suffering withdrawals, or completely gone to dementia is a total game changer. I'd wish neither on my worst enemy.
I'm still no better with needles, not after 33 years, not after two weeks of constant needles. Hate them.
A lot of my friends and family were so obsessed with what my diagnosis was, but I just wanted to feel better. It's a bit of a Maslow's hierarchy sort of situation: can't care too much about the diagnosis when I feel like shit. I still don't - I just want to get back to living, not be caught in endless testing limbo.
Man I'm glad I live in Australia and it was all free. So many times I'd think to myself 'god I'm lucky I don't have to worry about the cost'.
Man I'm glad I live in Australia and have 4 weeks of paid sick leave each year, made it really easy to just call the boss and say 'I'm off this week sorry', my boss was also very cool and supportive.
Man I'm glad my friends and family came and visited me. Kept me going for sure. Thanks everyone who visited.
This is my second stint in hospital - after a week when I was 17 and now two weeks at 33 - I've spent more time in hospital than most people my age (or older). The biggest thing that makes a difference is all the conversations, check ins, emails, instagram messages, phone calls. All that stuff that keeps me connected and engaged with other people and the world outside the hospital bed.
I know I can sometimes be unsure about how to help a person who is sick. I worry if I would be imposing or overbearing if I'm reaching out or calling, sometimes I'm nervous that I'll make their life harder. But, having recently been on the other side, please reach out, please get involved, please say 'how are you?' or 'thinking of you' or whatever. That personal connection is one of the few consistently positive things, even over text message or social media. I certainly am reminded of it!
In other news:
I'm in a group show called 'The Chills' which opens on 16th of February here in Melbourne. I'm super happy about this as it's an ambitiously curated group show in a private gallery. It's rare that a non-institution presents photography from around the world, so please get out and see it. The show's at Oigall projects on Gertude Street. I'll be at the opening, so tap me on the shoulder and say g'day. Details here: https://oigallprojects.com/