The Lottery
Sometime in the last year or two I've noticed a change in myself: when I walk past a sign advertising the lotto I just can't help myself, I think 'fuck that would be great'.
I know the odds are low, and that buying a ticket is statistically futile, and so I don't buy any at all. But I've gone from someone who used to see those signs, roll their eyes and think 'why piss money away?' to someone who now thinks 'how many of my problems would be solved? How much of a relief would I feel?', it's dangerous in a lot of ways because, yes, winning $5 million or $10 million, or hell, $100,000 would complete change my life. And yet I'm not going to win, am I? It's never going to happen. So the danger in the dreaming is the distance - it's hoping for something that is literally unattainable.
Yet, in the past few weeks it's impossible not to think about these absurd amounts of money. Unusually, money is very much under the radar. There's Elon Musk's absurd billions spending spree, there's a federal and state election, with staggering amounts promised, absurd amounts spent and just life-changing money thrown about. Cost of living, too, is on every news website, conversation and all that stuff. A week where I'm really nervous about the next publishing project as it's $1000 more than I was hoping it would cost is also a week where there's billions being talked about. So it's hard for me not to think 'christ where's mine?'.
But of course, globally I've won the lotto. Compared to the majority of people alive I have way more than most and have definitely 'got mine'. I live in Australia where it's relatively easy to have a decent wage and get on with life. I'm free from the risks of extreme poverty, I'm probably free from the risks of poverty all together. While it's certainly possible a bad car accident or something would be a big problem, with good family, friends, social safety net, my partner, etc, it's unlikely I'd become homeless or truly destitute. But we all have that inner voice telling us we could (or should) have more. We all wish for something we don't have. Whether that's a bit more security, the comfort to email the boss and say 'see you!' or the desire to buy any company in the world (not my desire, for what it's worth).
When I walk past the lotto ads I don't think 'oh I'd own a sports team' or 'I could buy an island'. I think about the cool shit I could make: build an arts charity, support climate change, drive a little car around this big country, help my sister buy a house and it all seems more interesting, more alive, more charged and energetic, fun and interesting, meaningful and real than the feeling of turning on my work PC, loading up my six emails and responding to the admin requests, grammar feedback and slow drip of bullshit that comes through.
Of course, we all (mostly) hate our jobs. Compared to absolute freedom at least, work is a 2nd best. I'm not unique in this way, and I'm in a better position than most people on the planet. So the lotto is cruel, and the fact I respond to it more now I think just signals that after a decade or so of full time work the coping isn't working as much as it used to. I used to get a bit of fire from work, a bit of pizazz. It was hard, often complicated, but it fired me up. Now it's an exercise in 'how little can I drain myself without someone criticising me'. What an uninspiring way to think. But there aren't alternatives, really. Or the alternatives feel really distant/unobtainable too.
I have no answers, and you can tell I'm a bit glum this week. I'm sorry if reminding you of the scam that is work made you feel a bit sad today. But it's hard, in weeks where there's just cash, cash, cash every fucking where to not think 'why the fuck does Johnny Depp get $50m to act in Pirates of the Caribbean twelve or whatever god-awful dumpsterfire bullshit is the dying days of his career?' or 'why does a random sports club in a marginal seat get $5m for an oval upgrade?', I hate my 9 to 5 this week, and like 1% of these figures would literally transform my existence, or winning the lotto. But none of that will happen.
So some weeks it just hits harder, doesn't it? The world is truly not a flat place, and it never will be.