Normal to Great
One of my favourite things about life is how small the difference between a normal day and a great day really is. To me, and maybe this is my personality, a great day is just one abnormally nice experience away from a normal one.
Last week, on a completely average 'ah what a pissed away day' mood I took a blanket to the creek, lay down and just listened to the water. I don't know why I did it, I just had the urge. Man it felt good, I don't know why, but it really did. Great day, despite all the just turgid mediocrity before that.
Today which, by judging by my work was a total write off, had two small lovely moments. An email from a gallery confirming inclusion of my work at a cool show, and also can we use it on the promo poster? Then I saw an old friend. No big, earth-shaking, tectonic changes, but Wednesday feels great.
Some days I'm just hunting for that little something that tips it from a dull day to something great. I've needed this a lot the past few weeks. Despite, I think in this very newsletter, saying that my day job is a-ok, I do find myself constantly just so sick of it. I find it boring (ennui!), lethargic and unnecessary and when those nothing days happen, I just can't help thinking 'I'll never have another Tuesday the 15th ever again, and what a fucking waste, I didn't even like my day'. I don't know if this is just life, maybe these thoughts and frustrations are perennial, that's something I'm trying to work out at the moment. I don't think a perfect blissful state exists, but I do wonder if a cycle of existential sadness and frustration has to hit quite this hard. Unfortunately, for me, the way I spend 8 hours a day at work is a big part of how I end up feeling, even though I like to think I've got plenty going on outside of it. Jobs, man, what a headfuck.
I don't know the answer to my wonderings yet. Is it normal to be seasonally down about what choices you've made? Maybe it's normal to feel a bit of buyer's regret. I don't know, I really don't, but those little flashes of greatness really keep me going. Yesterday I had some spare change, a guy was selling the Big Issue, so I bought one. He said 'man that's the first sale of the day, and it's going to be a good one'. It felt good, the day felt good. Generosity can be that little uptick, maybe it's the most reliable - it feels good to be generous. Stuff, sometimes the desire to have stuff, it can weigh us down more than we realise. Sometimes just giving a gift, a couple of bucks or buying a mate a meal is just esteem and self-worth.
Of course, sometimes there isn't an opportunity to do much that's special, even if all that's needed is something small. That's ok, those days happen. Still, I can't help but be a bit hungry for finding just these slivers of actions that transform the texture of my life from, at the daily level, sometimes pointless to really genuinely pleasant.
Till next week, if you need me maybe check the bend by the creek.