Art, doubt, anxiety
Putting something out in the world is rarely a good feeling. It's always nerve-wracking and unpleasant, at least a little bit. Questions like 'will anyone come?' or 'will anyone like this?' or 'will this be boring and ignored?' circle round like the worst soundtracks. In my experience, the worst I ever had this was for this rinky-dink exhibition in 2017. It was for an art prize at a community gallery in Canberra. I'd submitted a photo, been accepted, dropped it off and then short listed (so 5 of us in the short list for a prize of $5000). On opening night, all short listed artists were asked to come along as the winner would be announced.
From minute one I felt like shit. I was anxious, something I very rarely feel, sweaty, shaky, felt inadequate, just felt like a fraud and a sham in the deepest way I've ever felt those things. I plonked myself down in an armchair near the stage and waited. Time dragged and every minute crawled. I was breathing super fast and it just was really, substantially unpleasant. When the long boring introductory speech was over the winner was announced. It wasn't me and I instantly felt both relief and grief. The short listed artists were asked to come to the stage to be presented an award, and I didn't move. No one knew who I was or what I looked like so it was easy to pretend I wasn't there as the MC called 'is Matt here? Matt Dunne? Anyone seen Matt?', it's a bit shameful, but I didn't want to stand up, clearly a mess, shaky and just spent.
When I got home I was in tears, and talked to my girlfriend about it. Eventually I wrote this on IG (get ready, it's a bit much):
"My boss always talks about art scars, and I've always wanted to be able to make art. But every thing I've tried has failed and made me feel awful: ashamed, despairing and pathetic. I'm very embarrassed by my work and constantly feel it's not very good, so I rarely tell friends or family about it. Recently I submitted for a local art prize, I got shortlisted and, stupidly, went to the opening. The whole day I've been feeling anxious and my heart was racing. When I got to the gallery I couldn't talk or relax so I sat in a chair and tried to calm my self. Seeing my photo on the wall made me feel stupid, it was a let down. Didn't make me calm. When the winner was announced (wasn't me) I felt so low. Driving home I just felt inadequate and stupid. Stupid for trying, for caring, for being mediocre and for not having the grace to accept that. It's really hard for me to share these things, I instantly get out back in the emotional place of looking at my drawings as a kid and hating myself for being so bad at something I loved so much. I don't know of contests are good or bad, but recognition does matter, I'll never be as good as my heroes and it's one of the challenges I face: accepting being average when I feel like I'm more. I guess posts like this are a bit showy and silly but it's all part of trying to grow a little. Thanks for reading."
Writing it helped. Having people let me know they felt the same/not to give up helped. A friend took me out the next week and helped me realise that doubt will always be there, and that's ok. You can't look for these unhelpful feelings to leave entirely, that's a standard for failure.
The next time I had an exhibition it was 2020, before the pandemic. It was pretty nervous but felt good - there were 2-3 other people showing and there was a big buzz. A ton of mates came out and from minute one someone I knew walked in the room. Thanks if you were one of those people, it's hard to share how much better it feels when an old friend is there. Having an exhibition is a bit of a unique experience, you spend all this time like perfecting a room, compromising a bit (since it's fucking expensive) and inviting people, but the opening night is really the only time that I, as the artist, am actually there with a lot of folks. It's a bit like having a party in HS. Anyway, that exhibition went really well, even if it was a bit basic.
Now, last week, for the first time ever, I launched a show without being a huge wreck of nerves. The exhibition was a selection of photos from The Killing Sink, something I've been making for 4 years and something I know is good. It's a part true crime part public grieving project about deliberate killing of Wedge-Tailed Eagles here in Victoria. I've spent years researching, photographing, driving, meeting and making, and this show is also a really, really small expression of that work. Maybe I feel better because I know the work is good. Maybe I feel better because I know not many of my friends would come (it's not in the center of town so like 5% of my friendship circle will leave that bubble ;) ), partially having other exhibitions lined up is insulation in a way. Regardless of all that I'm happy with how it turned out. I've been calling this a 'training wheels' show - a smaller selection, a more simple install, just a way of feeling out how things look in big spaces. That may be a bit demeaning to the work and the gallery, but it's made it easier for me knowing that the BIG DEAL show isn't until July.
Whatever the reason man it's good not to be a mess.